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Diesel have just brought out a new Christmas fragrance for labourers..
Only the slave
Chocoholic is flying home for the Christmas holidays and finds herself seated next to nightwalker77, who is happily humming Christmas tunes to herself.
About two hours into the flight the pilot gets on the intercom and says, We just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer to arrive at our destination.
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more,but it will take us another half hour though.
Nightwaker77 turns to chocoholic and says, "Oh dear, if we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ A WOMAN’S VIEW
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I’ve been here for hours; I can’t stop to rest.
This room’s a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I’ve got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There’s a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I’ve had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!”
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says “What’s taking so long, aren’t you through in here yet??”
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!!”
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it’s the pies!! They’re burned all to hell
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.
Lord, don’t get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn’t work, I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
and that's a christmas joke on me tink :D what to do yani!
me getting paid? i wish tink! this is how it works in my company.
for what?? for jamming inside?
to buy food for the family to eat on Christmas Day. She was offered 30 kgs of venison and 8 hoofs for 200QR.
She said , it was two deer :O(
middle of someone else's responsibility to be exact darude :p
or say jammed in the MIDDLE but is now fine after fluid was pumped in :D
been busy tink, busy doing other colleague's job!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut
You just repeated Uk's joke :O)
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
am watching Brit.... ;-P
Please remember; a dog is for life, not just for Christmas.
Unless you're Korean ofcourse..In which case we're probably talking until about the 28th.
My little girl has been singing a new version of Jingle bells which goes a bit like this..
Jingle bells Batman smells thousand miles away..
I wonder which Disney Channel program she picked that one up from..:)
Yes this Christmas will be my last here, I say to myself every year!
Coz I am still dreaming of a white Christams..:(
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Why do Rudolph and DaRude feel at home in strip clubs?
It's the red-light district.
Strip are those who had something on when i dont have anything on how will i be a stripper :D
and Colt is in US to get good enhancement and will be back RIGHT NOW HE IS JERKIN AROUND ON FACEBOOK.
and the mnidnight will come soon when he gets back and UkEng gets enough slippery shine on his head.
it feels good that if you have watched the tarzan movie you can get a copy from colt
How do you know if Santa thinks you’re naughty instead of nice?
When you sit on Santa’s lap and say you’ve been good, Santa says "Ha, ha, ha" instead of "Ho, ho, ho."
10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
BritExpat was trying to put the Christmas tree up..when Mrs BritExpat shouted from the kitchen in a funny tone..
To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
cant walk feels weak and my back hurts
did alot of work in holidays :D
Can't remember the night, but having trouble walking this morning :O(
did some one tear you up like a chicken from its legs
Just saw a letter written by UkEngQatar's little girl to father christmas..
It says "Dear santa, please bring me lots and lots of clothes to give to the poor women on daddy's computer"
Oryx walks in to a kebab shop in Al-Sadd and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"I'll have a large Donner." Says Oryx.
"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
Q: Do you know why Santa dosen't have any children ??? A: he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney ...
I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Is that True Tenkerbell?
What would an Indian or a Jewish Santa Claus say when he came down the chimney: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
Could Chocoholic be the real Santa Claus?
THE TOP 15 *OTHER* SIGNS SANTA CLAUS IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN
15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The QL Christmas synchronized swimming display has had to be cancelled after a fight broke out between two team members..
Dracula says Timebandit was copying him..
My husband gave me a mood ring for Christmas.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
What type of pizza does Tinkerbell like at Christmas ?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
You need a chair to kick me Tinkerbell..
I guess Santa will not be leaving you any thing year for being naughty to your fellow Qlers?..::)
Chocoholic was feeling unwell on Christmas eve when she had invited BritExpat around for few sherries. Suddenly she had a massive heart attack and passed away.
Poor Mr Chocoholic looks at here with tears in his eyes and says.. My wife is an angel now.
Britexpat pats the back of Mr Chocoholic and says Your lucky man. Your wife is an angel mine still alive..:)
who is that bloody guy :#
where will you kick him in which part
at the knickers being Carol's lol
Hold on.... What happened to the Gold ??...
Damn that Inspector Rachel Chocoholicvitz :O(
BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped in a manger owned by britexpat , a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.
"There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health inspector: Chocoholic . "We even found a donkey inside!"
"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Ukengqatar. "She claims to have been a virgin."
Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers."
The Kings were promptly arrested and deported .
Three QLers are invited to the best xmas bash in town. They arrive together , dressed to kill, but the bouncer at the door says that they must present something "Christmassy".
Britexpat searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
UkEngQatar manages to find a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
Dracula steps up. He dips into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, the Bouncer asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
Dracula smiles and says "They're Carol's."
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Chocoholic went deep into the Alaska's frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, she said,
“I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”
Have you noticed that tacky plastic mistletoe decoration hanging over the scales at the British Airways counter?
It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.
asked to remind you all that a doggy is not just for Christmas....
It's a great position all the year round!
UKEng woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Dear," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete a** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an a**hole," UKEng said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said UKEng.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
TTTexas, not yet.. but I will get one especially for britexpat.. ;)
The similarities between Santa and System Admins
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Who's there ?
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil !
I've decided to buy chocoholic an artificial leg for christmas.
Ofcourse, its not her main present. It's just a stocking filler.
You have red boots too? :)
On Christmas Eve, UKEng thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be.
Unable to decide, UKEng entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, 'How about some perfume?' She showed him a bottle costing £75.
'Too expensive,' muttered UKEng.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. 'Oh dear,' UKEng groused, 'still far too much.'
Growing rather annoyed at UKEng's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him. UKEng became really agitated, 'What I mean', he whined, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.'
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.
what do elephants watch on christams?
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
What's a hairdresser's favourite Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
brit, watch out for a pair of red boots kicking you up in the arse! :P
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-deer!
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
May the Farce be with you ... My Padawan...
By the way, did you know that mj went to the grotto yesterday and sat on Santa's lap..
"What would you like for xmas" said Santa
"Oooh, that's a hard one!" Replied mj.
Santa shifted a bit and said "Yes, err.....sorry about that..."
What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I'm going out tonight !
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
What's Christmas called in England ?
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Q How did Darth Vador know what Luke had got him for Christmas?
A Because he felt his presents.
brit, I'm not a kid anymore, so I don't think I'll be sitting on Santa's knee.. :P
I am not going to get any thing for Christmas this Year Mrs UKEng told me. I asked her what did I do to deserve that. She said you forgot my Birthday again!..:(
Cease and desist with these schoolboy jokes or Santa won't sit you on his knee...
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
I'm shocked , but pleasantly surprised..
For Christmas, my wife has booked me a week's scuba diving holiday in Sharm el Sheikh ....
What do reindeers hang on their Christmas trees?
What do you call a fairy that did not have a bath for a week?
A great offer.. No strings attached :O)
Saw some tampons with holly around them in the chemist with a message below...
Special Offer for the Christmas PERIOD..:)
Do you think Chocoholic could be dyslexic ?
I ask, because I just saw her buying her son a Pony Sleigh Station!
woot!...round 2 to brit!...evenly poised contest at the moment...
referee was not in the ring, so it is a draw... ;)
chocoholic's won this round brit!...
How do you make britexpat laugh on Boxing Day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve.