patawa lang

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

************ ********* ********* ***** ******

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

************ ********* ********* ********* **

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to fin d out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

************ ********* ********* ********* **

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would ne ed his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

************ ********* ********* ********* **

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Ayos na ayos to!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

"Wag magbubuhat ng sariling bangko..."

nyahahahaha! dekyo ur da man!!!! ganda ba ng australian kiss? hehehehe

nice tip..

Tip for a long life:
Wag mo isusulat name mo sa condolence book pag dumalaw ka sa patay. Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nagkakaron ng raffle kung sinong susunod….

Sa isang barrio kilala si Padre Pipito na mabilis pagdating sa babae. Isang hapon ng biyernes, nagrosaryo ang mag-inang Nena at Nene sa simbahan ni Padre Pipito.. Ngunit bago pa man matapos ang kanilang pagrorosaryo e, biglang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan upang sabihin sa kanila ni Padre Pipito na..

Padre Pipito: Nena, dito na kayo magpalipas ng gabi at matulog sa kumbento dahil mukhang hindi titigil ang ulan na yan.. At alam mo naman sa barrio naten, kapag ganito ang panahon e tinatamad ang mga tricycle driver na bumiyahe.. (” Sana pumayag. “, ang sabi ng isip ni Padre Pipito)

Dahil sa magandang offer ni Padre Pipito, napagpasyahan niya na sa kumbento na nga matulog ng kanyang magandang anak na si Nene..

Nena: Sige po, dito na po kame mgpapalipas ng gabi.. (Ngunit sa isip ng matanda na kelangan nyang protektahan ang kanyang birhen na anak kay Padre Pipito na kilala sa bilis pagdating sa babae.)

Padre Pipito: Salamat naman at pina-unlakan niyo ang anyaya ko na dito kayo matulog (Na may ngiti sa mga labi at kislap sa mga mata ng pari)

Gabi. Walang ilaw dulot ng malakas na ulan..

Nena: (Pabulong..) Anak, kelangan kong ipasok ang isa kong daliri sa ano mo (alam niyo na un) para kung sakaling makatulog ako e, panatag ako na di ka magagalaw ng pari na yon..

Nene: Kayo po ang bahala inay..alam niyo po ang makakabuti para sa akin.. (Masunuring bata..)

Nang kasalukuyan ng nakapasok ang daliri ni Nena sa ano ng anak niya e, biglang nagalit ang langit.. Kumulog ng malakas at biglang kumidlat!

Sa sobrang nerbyos ng matanda e, nag-antanda siya (sign of the cross) gamit ang daliring nakapasok sa ano ni nene.. At biglang bigkas ng..

Nena: Susmaryosep, Diyos ko po!

At nagmamadaling ibinalik ang daliri niya sa ano ng anak niya..

Ngunit sa di inaasahang bagay e, me napaaray at ang wika..

Padre Pipito: Nena, puwet ko na yan!

( Ano, mabilis ba? )