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Lebanese Mentality
Hello Guys,
I have a question about Mentality - since I am from Europe it is sometimes difficult for me to understand the way of thinking and acting of other people, so I hope you can help me...
I have a lebanese boyfriend, and within the first two weeks I figured out that he wants kids and his own family as soon as possible. For me, this is fine in general, it's just that he's a bit faster than I am - I want to make sure that it's really Mr. Right and all that stuff before I talk about marriage and kids... So I think we are fine with that now, he tries to be patient and I think about it.
My challenge now is that I have the impression that he would like me to reject him, meaning treating him bad in a certain way so that he can run after me - unfortunately, that's not how I am, I am a very straightforward person and when I like (or love) somebody, I'll tell and show him that. I am very confused now because I really love him. Do I have to change myself to make him happy? How can we work on that together so that we come to a 'win-win-situation', I change a bit and he as well?
My impression is that he has the same challenge (not understanding me) and I don't know how to solve that...
Any advise or experience is more than welcome!!!
Many thanks!
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sword said
Leave him or afterwards ...Leave him or afterwards he will leave u
Nobody dies virgin, in the end life [Let's not get blocked by the Telco]s us all!
dragonfly212 said
so you just be with him for ...so you just be with him for 2 weeks now and he want kids/family??? wow... he is after something here for sure... please talk to him face to face and solve this problem, dont be afraid to tell him whats your concerns and agenda. if he is really loves you he should understand you more and give you what you want.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
Paula1 said
Leave me... ......after what?
And why do you think he will leave me?
thexonic said
there's no such thing as ...there's no such thing as mr. right or wrong, couples are not made in heaven,
they are just a part of the choices we make. If he makes u secure, if he
completes you, if he puts ur life before his own, then he is the right one.
I can tell u about the mentality of lebanese girls, they are confused and have
contradictions in their minds or atleast most of them.
It's always the small things that make big differences.
Cornellian said
What gave u the impression ...What gave u the impression that he wants to be treated badly ?
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong -Garfield
Paula1 said
Mila.. ...it's 3 months now, and I have the feeling that this kids thing is solved. It's only that he needs to have the feeling that he can run after me, you know, that I am kind of cold and rejecting him so that can "conquer" me. But I am not that kind of person, when I love someone I don't wanna play those games, I wanna be how I am, but obviously that's too nice for him...are lebanese ladies cold? I can't imagine...but maybe I'm wrong...
Cornellian said
Lebanese girls are confused ...Lebanese girls are confused and have contradictions in their minds ?? I beg to differ.
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong -Garfield
Paula1 said
Contradictions... ......is a good word. I have the impression that he really loves and wants me, and that somehow we are a very good match. But then again he wants to be THE MAN, and "conquer" me...and therefore I have to be cold and reject him, as it seems - you know, like not calling him or sending sms, waiting for him to act...and I really don't like that, ,because when I wanna call, I wanna be allowed to call him.
What do you think?
Supernurse said
mmm thats what happens when ...mmm thats what happens when you get involved with lebanese men!! Did anyone warn you prior to entering the relationship?!
dragonfly212 said
I think from what I can ...I think from what I can understand why Lebanese or Arabs men after western woman so bad, cos they want to get out from their country and if possible change the nationality, thats their first agenda, second agenda if the person really loved somebody/the western woman and want children straight away, is because they want to have their descendents as in many years their home land is in war and many many have died, so in their nature blood they want to have children to continue the legacy.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
Paula1 said
siobhanhill ...nope....how exactly would you phrase this warning??
Alexa said
Paula, men like that are ...Paula, men like that are everywhere , not only in Lebanon.
All you have to do is give him a bit of incentive.....is that really so hard to do?
Thing is , you are dealing with a hot blooded mediterranian man here.....give him what he needs and you will be his queen.
Vey simple.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
medo_Dubai said
just leave him normal ...just leave him normal lebanese they always care about what they want not what the other wants
They marriage in there opinion is like relation between master & slave sure lebanese will never be slave
Supernurse said
As Mila has kindly done as ...As Mila has kindly done as above Paula...my advice is run for the hills!!
Paula1 said
Mila... ......but why do they wanna be treated in a cold way????
Supernurse said
Lebanese men are not ...Lebanese men are not European they are arabic, please bear that in mind.
Paula1 said
Alexa... ...I had this experience before in Europe - but never in such a strong way, wow, he wants be me to be tough and in the next minute the sweet pussycat....that's a bit too much for me - or am I too narrow????
medo_Dubai said
siobhanhill not at all ...siobhanhill not at all lebanese are lebanese not arabic nor european belive me
dragonfly212 said
Paula, man are complicated. ...Paula, man are complicated. Perhaps he want something more just dont know how to say it to you. So my advise talk to him nicely without creating new arguements. Ask what he really want and what he really feel inside. Tell him do not be afraid to tell the truth even the truth is hurt and painfull. Best medicine is let the time will tell... if you both destined to be together no matter what you will be together.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
swissgirl39 said
Mila ...i dont know about others but my sweetheart never wanted to come to Swiss permanently.
Only for holidays/family visitings and so on.
And Paula1,was not easy for me to understand the Arab mentality in general and i am still learning.All i can say you need a lot of pacion,a big heart,understanding and last but not least...tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Good luck and all the best to you .
Alexa said
Well, Paula, now you are ...Well, Paula, now you are dealing with the "real thing"....either you learn, or you leave.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
Cornellian said
Alexa, "Thing is , you are ...Alexa, "Thing is , you are dealing with a hot blooded mediterranian man here.....give him what he needs and you will be his queen."... Amen to that !
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong -Garfield
dragonfly212 said
HI SG39, congrats with your ...HI SG39, congrats with your sweetheart. Hope he stay like that and make you more happier.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
Paula1 said
Many thanks ...to all of you...guess I have to learn a lot about patience...do you think after we had an argument that was not finished and was my fault somehow, I should wait for him to contact me? Coz I called him afterwards and we were both in a hurry, so we did not finish our talks and are not back to a peaceful situation...
Oryx said
good luck ...becareful it isn't just the european passport he is after!
I went out with a lebanese guy on a few dates and i found him completely suffocating.... I rannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
medo_Dubai said
Cornellian that is slave ...Cornellian that is slave sound
the man should respect the woman and deal with her as equal not as you said
he used her as slave until she had the chance to use him as slave
which kind of life you call that
arraya said
......... ...To Live Is To Die.....Life Is Like A Fuse.....So Short And Burning Really Fast.....So Live Your Life To The Fullest.....!!!!!
dragonfly212 said
see even Oryx learned the ...see even Oryx learned the hardway!!! learned from other experience.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
Alexa said
It is difficult for ...It is difficult for northeren european or american women to understand the mentality of these men. they are, in many ways, old fashioned, and yes, sometimes suffocating, chauvinistic etc.
If you are not ready to play the role expected from you, run, run very far.
BUT, if you are willing to learn, and in many ways, change your way of looking at things, you are in for the best experience of your life.
But, you have to realise, it is not an easy path,trust me.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
Cornellian said
Medo, I never said he ...Medo, I never said he shouldn't treat her as an equal. Ofcourse he should treat her as an equal and nothing less. Give him what he needs, and he'll reciprocate by treating her like his queen...how is that slavery ?
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong -Garfield
PM said
Do you really want to play some kind of game? ...If you have to ask advice on how to understand the games he is playing then what do you think the rest of your life will be like? Frankly any man who loves a woman but still wants to play games has a lot of growing up to do. The fact that you are considering how to "play" it indicates you could benefit by maturing a bit more before you consider marriage and family. Don't let infatuation lead you into a mistake.
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
swissgirl39 said
absolute correct Alexa ...:-)
Oryx said
Mila ...Mila - I didn't even kiss him...! On the 4th date i was hyperventilating before he came round!
You know it aint going to work out when....................... lol
It was smothering but he boasted about himself and country.
He struck me as an insecure nice guy who was rather confused. He wanted someone to adore him.
Cornellian said
And that's why Alexa, I ...And that's why Alexa, I don't think I can be with an Arab guy. I would drive him nuts! lol
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong -Garfield
Alexa said
Show me one man who does ...Show me one man who does not want to be adored......lol.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
Cornellian said
Show me anyone who doesn't ...Show me anyone who doesn't want to be adored! lol
I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong -Garfield
dragonfly212 said
thats must some experience ...thats must some experience for you Oryx. LOL.. no even a kiss??? hahahahha... poor guy.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
Oryx said
PM ...Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa
firing on all cylinders..... that is so right.
We should close the thread now because you have tied it up neatly!
Alexa said
Corne, trust me, once ...Corne, trust me, once you meet "the one",and I am sure, he will be Arab, from Bliss Street, you will forget all your doubts, and do what comes natural to you.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
Oryx said
corn - hello ...Every one wants to be adored...of course. but this was suffocating! wayyyyyyyy too intense and possessive and unrealistic..... it SCARED me!
Paula1 said
Alexa... ......you know this from your own experience?
whoami said
how dare someone advise you ...how dare someone advise you to leave a relationship.
No shame and I hope that if they are in a relationship, someone advises THEIR partner to leave him/her.
Here is my advice. Just go with your gut.
For me, I do whatever I can so I never look back and think 'what if'.
Changing is essential for couples. But it has to go both ways. We compromise and accept people's differences.
It's clear when a guy or a girl is playing you. Love is blind as they say. Yes it's an old adage, but it's true.
Explain a story to people, take their input. Never accept if someone says "Stay or leave'. let them explain what they would do and why.
___________________________
Click here for LOADS of Qatar info I♥Q
Paula1 said
and by the way... ...before I started arguing and scaring him, he was sooo cute and natural, I couldn't believe it...
Alexa said
Naa, sorry, don't agree ...Naa, sorry, don't agree with PM. Not one bit.
I am married to one "of those guys", not Arab, but with the heart and blood of one, there was a lot of figuring out to do, from my side, but man...what a ride, and what an outcome...would not miss it for the world!
As long as you, as a woman, are secure in yourself, willing to give, and be willing to receive, all will be good.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
medo_Dubai said
by the way Alexa Cornellian ...by the way Alexa Cornellian is dutch name and never say Corne because really it is so bad name in dutch,
charansoi11r said
Ditch the Lebba. Collect an ...Ditch the Lebba. Collect an Asian this time ;)
PM said
Well, time will tell Alexa ...but I just don't think mature people who are ready for marriage and family have to play games and ask questions about how to play on an internet forum.
If it works for you, that's great.
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
dragonfly212 said
Arabs men, they want you to ...Arabs men, they want you to be for themself only(is normal mostly men are, but this one as Oryx say is tooo suffocating... hehehehe). They dont want you to go anywhere without him or atleast without his permission (not the other way around tho apparently), he loves and adore you like you are their queen. They always have sweet words to melt your heart. They loves their mother more then anything (which is good but not too good when we already become their wifes) hehehehe... competition.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
PM said
And I was not referring to your marriage Alexa ...A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
Paula1 said
So for the time being... ...I should back away for a bit and let him approach me?
Alexa said
PM....this is not ...PM....this is not about playing games. It is about understanding a different mind set. Different values and practises.
Middle eastern and latin men are not the "cold fish" and rational people Americans and northern Europeans are so used to.
Ask any Italian, Spanish, ot Arab woman, they will tell you exactely that.
I am not talking about certain men who take Western women for a ride...for green cards, nationailty etc.....the women who fall for THAT....oh my.....
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
Oryx said
Whaomi ...I am sorry my friend... I like a lot of your posts.... but if i thought someone was in a destructive relationship i would ask them to consider the possibility of leaving.
Of course you shouldn't do what someone else says like a zombie....
but you ask for advice to receive different opinions - at the end of the day it is up to you to weigh up the opinions and act!
Paula1 said
PM... ......imho this is not a matter of maturing, but of understanding different cultures...as far as I can see. I mean, Alexa is right when she says that all men are like this, but still the Mediterraneans or Arabs are different. And unfortunately I don't have too many people in this country to get advise from, so I am very happy and thankful that there are people around here who are actually trying to help me finding a solution or explanation.
Alexa said
Paula, if you started ...Paula, if you started it...you got to fix it.
with those guys, you got make them feel that they are the "boss"... of course, they are not, and deep down inside they know that....but beware of making them realise that...lol.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
thexonic said
Cornellian ...Yes most are confused. They dont keep u hanging on and giving u hope and
it never ends. The girl says to be with u if god wills, but then whenever they
get the first oppertunity or find someone... they leave. It's like a big mind
game that they play, keeping u in hope.
It's always the small things that make big differences.
keziah17 said
i don't think its just ...i don't think its just Lebanese...all guys are like that... peace!
a_guy said
In the time I been ...In the time I been here around I heard many YAAAAAAAKKKS about the lebanese guys... so i think is just a natural behavior of them.... it is build in... they are like they are...like it or not..
Without to mention they title themselves Europeans and not Arabs... hehehe silly thing.... I even heard: "We don't speak Arabic in lebannon but French"...
hahahahahaha... My sarcasm says enough...
whoami said
As usual people are ...As usual people are generalizing.
I'm Arabic, in my past (and present) I give total freedom to the person I'm with. I'm loyal, trusting and all I ask for is to know what's going on in general. (meaning I dont want to hear that my girlfriend has gone to Las Vegas and not told me what's up until after she's back :P)
I went out with a Japanese girl who I adored and was engaged to. She ended up using me.
I gave her 3 and a half years of my life. Do I regret it? Not at all.
My father once said, Never regret anything that once made you smile.
It's true, those moments of happiness were something I'd never want to give up.
___________________________
Click here for LOADS of Qatar info I♥Q
swissgirl39 said
wohami stay like this :-) god bless you ...On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur, l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
(Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
PM said
Paula, I have been married to a Kuwaiti and ...and Afghani. Believe me, I know about understanding cultural issues.
I also know when someone is not fully mature and probably not ready for marriage and family. Of course, I cannot know the complete story because I only know what you posted here. But based on that, I find it a little odd that a woman your age is asking what you have to do to hang onto this man....
Sorry, I just call them as I see them.
And btw, Alexa, I do not agree with your stereotype of "rational Americans and Northern Europeans" nor your stereotype of Latin and Arab men as hot-blooded.
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
QT said
HAHAHAHA!!!! ...I LOVE BEING SINGLE!!!
...and now you all know why!
swissgirl39 said
QT you say that now but... ......wondering what you would say when we talk in maybe 10years again about it.
lol
maybe in 10 years you are a happy married man with 3 kids around,a very proud dad and satisfied husband.
he heeeeee
cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeersssssssssssssssss
QT said
PM, Alexa ...Could I just interrupt you lovely ladies and say "Each to their own!"
If you are not the type to play games, then you should find someone who doesn't either! If on the ther hand you're constantly looking to spice things up, then you should find someone to reciprocate!
Simple!
(Just a suggestion girls, please don't bite my head off
)
thexonic said
Yea not all lebanese r ...Yea not all lebanese r like that. U just have to find the one who's the best, or
make them the best. U know the best thing abut humans is that u can change
them.
It's always the small things that make big differences.
Alexa said
I do realize that PM, I ...I do realize that PM, I certainly do.
But my opinion is, that there are differences in behaviour when it comes to relationships between northern Europeans, Americans and mediterranian or Arab men.
And I also find it quite normal, when faced with such, to look for advice from those with experience...if this is on a site like QL because the person asking this question does not have any other options...so what?
I do not see Paula 1 hanging on to something...this man apparently likes her...and she is not used to the kind of behaviour that is so common amongst those men.
It requires wisdom to understand wisdom : the music is nothing, if the audience is deaf.
Walter Lippmann
dragonfly212 said
QT, single is not the best ...QT, single is not the best damn thing in the world. hehehehe... but find somebody that you loved and they loves you back and still you can do stuffs like single do is the best damn thing. Trust me I know.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
QT said
SwissGirl ...10 years???? Ask me in 2 years!!
I'll be married with the 1st kid on the way at least. Just enjoying single life now while I can, because I know it is very, very limited and time is running out!
Paula1 said
PM ...If you know about cultural issues, Mabrouk, you're one step ahead - this is why I'm asking, because I wanna know and learn about this culture and mentality. And I don't wanna "hang on this man", I wanna know how to handle the differences between him and me. You never finish learning in your life, at least this is my opinion.
And as I said before, I don't have any friends here to discuss my issues with, and as a European woman I am used to discuss problems before I decide what to do. This is not because I am not mature, but to see things from another point of view - sometimes somebody else sees things in a different light and helps you understanding why things are like they are. This thread has really calmed me down and makes me think about things in a different way because I'm not limited to my own point of view and understanding, but also have the input of others with a different background and experience.
swissgirl39 said
QT great news and happy to hear them ...all the best to you and your future wife
:-)))
PM said
QT and Alexa, I have no problem with agreeing to disagree ...and again, I will just stress that I am uncomfortable with the stereotyping Alexa. I think from my own experience here on QL it is pretty clear to see that I don't fit into anyone's stereotype -- as a Muslimah, as an American or as a woman.
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
QT said
Mila ...I've been in love Mila, and I know she loves me!
Sometimes, that's not enough! Trust me!
(We still love each other, however, now we are good friends and the love has changed into friendship love, no more!)
Although, I'm glad it's worked out for you!
dragonfly212 said
QT, dont let the sparks ...QT, dont let the sparks goes out. Do something to bring it back.
Everybody is right Everybody is wrong, it depend where we stand.
PM said
well glad it has helped Paula ...I do find that people most often feel helped when the responses they receive validate their own tendancies and desires. You obviously want to get further involved with this man and some people on here have given you the validation you wanted.
You can just ignore me
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
Paula1 said
Thank you so much Alexa ...also sent you a pm..
PM said
Sometimes, love is better as a deep friendship QT ...I have that with my Afghani ex-husband. In fact, we were talking about that just the other day and arranging for my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren to see him when they are here next week.
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
swissgirl39 said
Paula1 ,you are Swiss?From where? ...German speaking part?
QT said
Mila ...The reason we split wasn't the lack of sparks honey, it was far, far too many! (good and bad)!
(Paula1, sorry for hijacking)
Paula1 said
PM ...This is not too wrong actually, but I really don't wanna split up with him - this is why I was asking. If I wanted to split up, that's easy even without advice ;-)
Thank you anyway...
a_guy said
Paula1 ...The only way to understand these kind of things is through the hard way, what ever we try to explain here is just a message... you need to expirience it by your self... Good luck and I hope you don't get hurt... too much!
Paula1 said
Thanks a_guy... ...I think I got hurt, but he did as well...hope we can fix it and it's not totally broken...
QT said
PM ...PM, I agree totally!!!
She's one of my best friends! (the only girl I can really say that about)
Strange though, to have such love for someone, but not want anymore!
... and because she's so attractive and now sweet (she wasn't before), people just don't understand!
I guess people can't untill they've been in that situation!!
PM said
Same for my ex, QT ...but I look at it as if every love has its time. And that time has passed now in my relationship with my ex.
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
QT said
PM ...PM,
well, best keep an eye out for the next chapter in your love life then!!
PM said
Insha'Allah QT ...but it will take more work to catch me next time -- even though I can't run as fast as I used to! LOL!
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
QT said
Insha'Allah PM ...Yes, Insha'Allah PM, Insha'Allah! LOL
princess habibah said
Paula there are alot of ...Paula there are alot of social issues when dealing with men of other cultures.
Is he christian or Muslim lebenese?
How religious is he?
what is his family like? (as they are a reflection of himself in many ways)
What does he expect in male/female roles in a relationship?
What are the beliefs of people in his country? Child custody, divorce, domestic violence, talking with other men?
Is he jealous?(Alot of arab men are not very happy with their wives talking to men although many do not show it when they are trying to catch you!)
My advice would be to take your time about having children with him. Get to know him and his family first. And let them get to know and accept you! And have an exit plan should you marry him!
I helped to arrange a marriage for an english girl. And because the mother accepted who she was and her way of life.. they are now very very happy in her situation. And has just arrived safely back from a trip to his home country. It has taken alot of understanding and TIME from both sides but it can be done.
Maryum : Umm Hasan bint Abdullah Alshabrawishi
princess habibah said
PM your still friends with ...PM your still friends with your ex? How cool is that!
Maryum : Umm Hasan bint Abdullah Alshabrawishi
PM said
Only the Afghani ...he is really a great guy, but we were just better suited as friends than a married couple. We have both treated each other with much love and respect. I doubt I'll ever reach that point with the Kuwaiti. Ive discovered that he isn't who he pretended to be and thus isn't the kind of person I would even want for a friend.
A life unexamined is not worth living -- Socrates
DaRuDe said
oh PM ...Thank you Thank you :D
QT said
Darude ...????