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Surnames...a touchy topic!
Disclaimer: I hope this thread does not end up being branded as sexist/racist/whatever-ist as I had no intentions for it to be so.And no,I am not seeking attention by posting such topics,in case any jerk feels so.
This is a subject I'd been pondering over since a long time.Thought I'd discuss it here.Do you feel that a woman ought to change her surname post-marriage?Doesn't that account for loss of identity?
"Hey!Aren't you Sue Wilson?"
"No,I'm Sue Smith"
"Oh I was Sue Wilson...but now I'm Sue Smith"
"Oh..."
A usual scenario indeed.I respect the Arabs for this,though.Their women retain their maiden names even post marriage.I have followed the same system and have retained my maiden name post marriage.Told my husband that I was born,have lived and will die with the same name.Just because I got married does not change my origins or my family name.And marriage does not make me belong to anybody else other than my own parents.
I know it's not a very widely accepted thing.I raised quite a few eyebrows too when I announced my decision.But I'm completely happy with my decision.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
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labda06 said
I always planned on ...I always planned on retaining my maiden name following nuptials, but my father (who I worshipped) advised me against it. I guess he was quite traditional in some ways. So I probably will not, out of respect for my customs and ofcourse my father. It wont change who I am, I'll always be my fathers daughter. Thats my opinion anyway.
whyteknight said
I don't want my wife to ...I don't want my wife to change her name after marriage.. No great thoughts about that though, it just will be too much of a hassle to get her name changed in all the documents :P
**** Aal Izz Well****
s_isale said
You took the right step. Why ...You took the right step.
Why should anybody change their surname? From where did this system originate in the first place?
afrinnabees said
this is not a problem now ...this is not a problem now adays many boyz are open mided today and thy dont want girls to be in their identity..but only few hope so thy will also understand the secnario soon..........
Qataria78 said
Surnames ...Thank god we dont need to do that in qatar and would never want to take my husbands surname coz my surname is much better hehehhehehe . :)
robertothebrave said
I think the woman should be ...I think the woman should be free to choose whether to change their name of not. Its not a big deal either way, its just a name.
QatarKiwi said
My wife and I are happily ...My wife and I are happily married (or at least I am ) and she has kept her surname. Our kids have my surname however, not that we had any big debate about it its just how the admin people completed the birth records. It works well for both of us and I am happy for her to keep it. Confuses the hell out of folks here though, we have had to produce our marriage certificate on a number of occassions. Sometimes its just easier for her to respond to a line addressing Mrs QatarKiwi...
omershah said
its ur choice..... ...i thin k its women's choice wht name she wants.... i knw my mother kept her name as it was pre marriage....
________________________________________________
****twice i did good ..
but that i heard never ...!
once i did bad
and that i heard ever ...!********
______________________________________________
ALL IZZZ WELL
Formatted Soul said
Its not a must...but if you ...Its not a must...but if you like to …why not?
I dont think you loose your identity by changing your last name... an Identity of a person is not in his Surname name alone! And moreover in our culture we are known with our first name and not by our surnames….we live with our parents only till we get married...but most of our life is lived with our spouse...that’s when you are independent and start having an identity of your own!
If you are ready to get married there are certain things that come with the package..if you are not ready to accept it...that means you are starting a life with conflict of interest….lol
No one forced me to change my name I was more than happy to change it when I started the new phase of my life!
snessy said
You only lose your identity, ...You only lose your identity, if you let it. I changed my surname because I wanted to have the same name as my children, I like being the Snessy family. I didn't change my name because I was asked to by anyone, I did it by choice.
*****If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all*****
Thoufy said
i too join u saggi... ...y to change name...???? No need
iIf lyf iz too tough to Stand.............Kneel down !!!
happygolucky said
FS...you said it all, ...FS...you said it all, exactly my thoughts...and agree on "that means you are starting a life with conflict..."
________________________________________
One life to live, live it to the fullest.
Victory_278692 said
Yep SS.....it reflects your identity ...and preferences as well :)
It is better to change husband more frequently and why to indulge in legal process to change name so often!
Good luck!
FS.....accept new concepts to remain in the main thought stream...
Whatz in the name? In love, does name matters!
Khanan said
I like yout take FS on this... ...and I share the same thoughts...
My
![]()
____________________________________________________
Have Courage To Live.
Anyone Can Die.
dadamharqatar said
yap..yap ...They called it "Just Culture" so go on with the flow c',)
Victory_278692 said
Just like to share a Hindi ...Just like to share a Hindi verse...
"Koi shart hooti nahin pyaar main, magar pyaar sharto peh tumne kiya"....
...Love is unconditional but you prefer to have condtional love
svelte_saggi said
it's not about starting a ...it's not about starting a life with a conflict.it's more about having the ability to remain who you are until the end.and in my community,we are identified by our family name...esp at the time of marriage and the like."what family does she belong to?" and not "who is her father?"....and the fact that i belong to my family remains that way all through my life.there is no change in that.i come from a purely matriarchal society wherein the bloodline runs through the mother's lineage.so in effect,even if i change my surname to my husband's name,i get no position whatsoever in his household when it comes to family affairs.i remain an outsider.yes,our children do have some right.but essentially they belong to my family....not to their father's family.as in when it comes to mourning for even close relatives like their own paternal aunts,uncles or even grandparents,they are not required to go through the rituals,etc.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
svelte_saggi said
i didn't think it as all ...i didn't think it as all that important to change my surname and be known as Mrs.of so-and-so just to show my allegiance to my husband.and just a curious question....why doesn't it work the other way round then?like the husbands changing their name to the wife's surname?okay,i can understand that in the days of yore,women were dependent on men for EVERYTHING.but today they are equal breadwinners and many a time we see that the wife earns the larger chunk of the family income.so they are more or less equals in the relationship.so why this disparity?it's not right.if they can't change their name ("heavens!that's sacrilege" they'd cry!),then i find no reason why women should change theirs.period.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
Formatted Soul said
Saggs... the day when you ...Saggs... the day when you start thinking 'HIS' and 'MINE' after marriage, makes life complicated, there is only 'OURS' after marriage.
Sorry to say.. but you made yourself sound very self- centered:) your hubby/his family too will have preference which you knowingly or unknowingly ignoring!
Pajju said
and my surname is Pajju ...and my surname is Pajju
snessy said
FS, I always say to my ...FS, I always say to my hubby...what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine, LOL
*****If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all*****
Formatted Soul said
Snessy...smart girl..lol ...Snessy...smart girl..lol
Pajju said
yes FS she is smart ,, and ...yes FS she is smart ,, and i love joshua :P
svelte_saggi said
that's an old ...that's an old concept,FS....'ours'....doesn't work all the time with everyone.and certainly not with me.there are some lines to be drawn in any relationship.that helps to avoid conflicts and arguments.okay,so people have a preconceived notion that it's the way it should work.but i don't see it as a rule.i personally know so many familes in the west who are so fiercely protective of their identities.they lead very happy (touchwood!) lives with their children and THEIR children too.they have individual bank accounts and neither is allowed to encroach into the other's finances.the kids have a fund in their name for their education and other purposes into which both parents contribute equally.they even built their house on an equal share basis.makes life more easy,IMHO.equality is the new rule,babe!
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
svelte_saggi said
snessy ...fortunately,hubby and i both echo the same thing "what's mine is mine" :-P so all's fine in marriageland!LOL
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
Ice Maiden said
After marriage its two ...After marriage its two bodies, one soul. There is a saying in my country....A creeper, vine, will only grow as high as its support. A man & woman bound in marriage can achieve their goals, dreams & aspirations only if they support and help one another when they falter.
Its not about "yours" & "mine", years into a marriage it reaches a point where you dont know where one ends and another begins. That's the only way a marriage can go forward.
When I was a young bride I remember my hubby telling me, its not "your" parents or "my" parents. Its "our" parents and we take care of them.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We live life forward, but understand it backward"
Thoufy said
uffff wats wrong...??? ...wat u feel rit.. do it...!! otherwise leave it...
iIf lyf iz too tough to Stand.............Kneel down !!!
Victory_278692 said
Pajju Pajju.........= P ...Pajju Pajju.........= P square in Algebra!
Don't get personal Girls, be open to think out of box contents as well!
I know Aish Rai Bachchan, may be tomorrow She would be "Aish Rai Victor"....:)
Pajju said
Ice r u married ? :P ...Ice r u married ? :P
Pajju said
vic wat is Algebra! ? :P ...vic wat is Algebra! ? :P
Ice Maiden said
Whats the point in marriage ...Whats the point in marriage then? If people want to retain your "identity", why live together, they might as well live under different roofs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We live life forward, but understand it backward"
Pajju said
Ice cool :) hey dil maange ...Ice cool :) hey dil maange more :)
svelte_saggi said
oh i'd say people get ...oh i'd say people get married for the sake of society....so that they're not branded gay or just coz society just can't stand the sight of a single unattached individual.i remember my family was literally plagued by people asking me why they haven't married me off?heavens!it did get on my nerves!yeah!that's a good question.why get married?
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
Thoufy said
haha thats grt pajju ...haha thats grt pajju
iIf lyf iz too tough to Stand.............Kneel down !!!
happygolucky said
Victory...liked your Hindi ...Victory...liked your Hindi verse...:)
FS...again well said...after marriage its never "HIS/HER" and "MINE"...its all "OURS"...but may be thats the problem faced by couples these days where they bring in the right and wrong for anything and everything and keeping on showiing their inclinations towards their parents more than it is required.
________________________________________
One life to live, live it to the fullest.
Victory_278692 said
Lolz pajju.....u know ...Lolz pajju.....u know zebra....in arabic algebra ;)
Ice......all these are new concepts..recently marriages have ONLY an accomodation and nothing else...We humans have detoriate the social values and have become MOST Selfish Creature on this Planet :(
Ice Maiden said
Hey, you know me, I am ...Hey, you know me, I am always cool, Pajju.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We live life forward, but understand it backward"
Pajju said
lol u guys, Ice yes yes ur ...lol u guys, Ice yes yes ur always cool with me :P
Ice Maiden said
What I am thinking is there ...What I am thinking is there is this gal/guy who was willing to leave whatever was important to them to set up home with another person. And this person says "Excuse me, I didn't want to get married, I got married cos i was "forced" to". What rubbish.
I mean did the parents put a gun to the head & say " you better get married or I am gonna kill you".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We live life forward, but understand it backward"
Ice Maiden said
Victory, u married? If so ...Victory, u married? If so does your better half know your dreams to catching a "Aishwarya Victor"...lol
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We live life forward, but understand it backward"
Pajju said
ok Ice i will try to marrie ...ok Ice i will try to marrie soon .. but there is no gals for me :( blzz choose one gal for me :P
SPEED said
Well after marriage my wife is known by my surname ...not her father :p Why the hell everyone calls her Mrs. SPEED ??
--------------------------------------------------------
"I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good thing therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being,
let me do it now.
Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." - Etienne de Grellet
Victory_278692 said
Ice....just changing the ...Ice....just changing the thread's mood :)
Be positive like Pajju!
Victory_278692 said
Speedbhai.... ...she is sharing YOUR pride! SPEEDO.............
Pajju said
lol vic .. i really wanna ...lol vic .. i really wanna marrie .. but :(
svelte_saggi said
IM ...my poor parents did nothing of the sort,hun'.....the society put the gun on their heads,to put it simply.personally i know they would have had no problem in me remaining single.apparently society had a problem.duh!and i have told this to my hubby too....that given a choice i would have loved to remain unattached.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
Thoufy said
pajjunte vishamam nan ...pajjunte vishamam nan manasilakunnu....
iIf lyf iz too tough to Stand.............Kneel down !!!
Formatted Soul said
Icey good thought:)Saggs.. ...Icey good thought:)
Saggs.. your views are very contradictory..in some threads you talk a lot about our culture... traditions….blah blah…..and now when it comes to marriage you are giving example of the west...lol
If you are married for the sake of it...then its a different story...lol
Unfortunately.. there are lots of girls who think your way...and I feel sorry for their hubbies:(
Bank Account/assests is not what make a relationship strong ..its the give and take and unconditional Love that makes us want to live 100 yrs..:)
Olive said
I'll be taking my husbands ...I'll be taking my husbands name after the wedding. Not sure I can really say why or why not, it's tradition, and I'm not particularly attached to my surname. A name is just a name and as it stands my current surname is a pain in the ass to spell. :)
"We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect." Ambrose Bierce
Thoufy said
saggiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ...enough... try to talk something else.... :)
iIf lyf iz too tough to Stand.............Kneel down !!!
svelte_saggi said
now please don't think i'm ...now please don't think i'm having problems in my personal life,people.....marriage is just another phase in my life like my school days,univeristy days,teenage,etc.were.and currently i'm going thru it.maybe i speak of it coz i have a very unconventional approach towards all relationships.i don't take any relationship beyond my own father,mother and sister to heart.a day may come when my husband can walk out of my life just the way he came in.nobody has cemented his feet in my life.but one's own parents and siblings can never disown you.and that's why all my unconditional love is channelised towards my parents and my sister.afterall,blood is thicker than water :-)
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
Victory_278692 said
Great fusion...... ...and mix of culture......New ocncept of Living (sarcastic view)
Pajju said
and Thoufy english only n ...and Thoufy english only n main forum plz
Victory_278692 said
Don't get personal Girls, be ...Don't get personal Girls, be open to think out of box contents as well.....!
Great fusion...... ...
and mix of culture......
Pajju.....2 are enough or need too more!
Pajju said
and i like to watch cat ...and i like to watch cat fight :P
Rizks said
In my school dayz, my ...In my school dayz, my English Sir's name was Mr. Smith...when i met him today his name is still the same....:)
Pajju said
lol vic i think 4 is allowed ...lol vic i think 4 is allowed for us :P
Thoufy said
sorry dude,,, ...getting mad... M gonna leave
iIf lyf iz too tough to Stand.............Kneel down !!!
Ice Maiden said
Vic I know you are joking, ...Vic I know you are joking, its just with Aishwarya the "standard of reference", a lot of wives might fall short of hubby's expectations......lol
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We live life forward, but understand it backward"
chocolate said
I used to think that i'll ...I used to think that i'll keep my surname, but when i got married it didnt matter. My surname caomes from my dad, what about my mom and her side of the family?. also even my grandmoms, greatgrandmoms etc, i come from their family too, so just my surname doesnt show my identity, i just look at it as convenience.
Formatted Soul said
Pajju nobody is fighting ...Pajju nobody is fighting here..thats just my view on the topic...:)
To each their own..:)
svelte_saggi said
FS ...culture and tradition is one thing....marriage is another.all the masculine superiority in our society were set up by men to suit their interests.and it was rightly so in those days....like i said,the women were only weak dependants who were obliged to men for their very existence.that day and age have long gone.and if i were to follow the culture and tradition of my community....woohoo! :-P i'd rather not talk about it.
i feel sorry for girls who think that marriage is the end of the journey of life for them....like they've reached their ultimate destination.for me,life is a train journey and marriage is an important junction where a co-passenger joined me in my journey.the journey continues and the quality of the rest of the journey depends to a certain extent on the co-passenger.if he's fun and ur type,u'll talk to him and be merry.the journey becomes all the more beautiful.but if he's not ur type,you can always choose to treat him like a co-passenger only.but that does not stop the train :-D
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
snessy said
SS, Everyone I know in the ...SS, Everyone I know in the UK that has got married have changed their name, apart from one, and she is actually quite insecure in herself unlike the rest of my friends.
If you feel happy/secure about who you are, a name wouldn't make a difference. You're still "you", regardless of what your surname is.
If you start a marriage by "mine and yours", you're not sharing your life together, it's more of a marriage of convenience.
You have to put into a marriage what you want back in return :-)
*****If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all*****
Pajju said
thank god that am not ...thank god that am not married :)
leelah said
it is ...easy and less the hassel,and its nice the whole family is under one surname.I like my surname changed cos of my marriage its kind of romantic.Like an old Pakistani song,
Ab tera naam bhi aye ga mere naam ke satth
zindugi apni guzer jaye ge araam ke satth.
(SORRY for Urdu on the main forum,couldn't resist.)
svelte_saggi said
chocolate ...that's the advantage of belonging to a matriarchal society....me,my mom,my grandmom,her mom,....all have the same family name/surname :-D we can trace our bloodline wayyyy back :-) somehow,the fathers are not important :-D LOL i attribute that to the fact that my community was one of warriors and the life of men had no value whatsoever.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
leelah said
Snessy ...well said.
itsrainingkatsndogs said
to each its own ...ive been happily married for almost 16 years and been using my husbands' surname ever since. whatever works, i guess.
veni, vidi, vici...
painther said
Changing (honestly speaking. ...Changing (honestly speaking. forcing) the surname of a lady post marriage is continuation of Ancient/Medieval social system which dictates all powers to MEN only in one way or others.
I ask why not a Boy changes his name as per girl’s family??
I believe in equality (rather favor a bit to females for their pain in bringing us up, men)
svelte_saggi said
snessy ...it's not like i had this notion post-marriage.i had this view about surnames right from my schooldays.never understood why my cousins made such a fuss about fixing their husband's names to theirs.and i'd made a promise to myself that if ever i had to go thru this,i'd NEVER change my name.i mean,changing names does nothing to improve or degrade the quality of the life you spend with each other.then why all the hullabaloo?i don't get it!
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
svelte_saggi said
paintherrrrr! ...finalllllly someone to support my views on equality!thanks for that dude!u rock! \m/
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
itsrainingkatsndogs said
i get it ...lol... does someone just waits for somebody to agree with her.., now what??
svelte_saggi said
maybe it's a matter of ...maybe it's a matter of convenience afterall.if one feels that they will get more acceptance if they use their husband's name,then they had better change it.for me,i am very proud of my family and will hold on to its name until the very end!
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
Eco-savvy said
SS not only arabs, muslim women do not change their ...names
Victory_278692 said
Ice.... ...don't under estimate my wife :)
Ash would find difficult to come even close to her!
As said Love is in the EYES of beholder, I truly believe!
FS-SS....Continue healthy debate and keep away what is followed in WEST....pick what you like!
We could survive and live with different PoV's.
Formatted Soul said
You have a pre-conceived ...You have a pre-conceived notion that all men dominate! lol which is not true...
I really dont agree with your logic...lol
Straight Arrow said
From an Arabic point of view ...It is ok what you have decided Svelte_Saggi
100 % there is nothing wrong with your decision and I am a supporter for such a decision according to the Arabic point of view.
But as you know this is not accepted in some cultures which of course I will interfere with.
As long as your husband is satisfied with your decision then every thing would be fine.
nightwalker77 said
I didn't change my name, ...I didn't change my name, only cause it is too much work going through all the paper work and documents, ID's, passports, and university degrees and whatnot. Doesn't change the fact that I am married, plus I can change it in the future anytime I want.
labda06 said
Svelte Saggi... ..."Culture and tradition is one thing....marriage is another." Wide generalisation which may be true in your culture but certainly not mine. Women were not considered weak and dependent on men for their general livelihood and we certainly are not today. And culture, atleast mine, tends to evolve with time, so what may have been considered offensive to women in the age of my great-grandmother is not culturally accepted today except by die-hard fanatics who are shunned by the general society. I love the responsibilities that culture and tradition place in my life, and I know my generation and generations to follow will continue to shape it. No offence, but the marriage you seem to describe (seperate bank accounts, fund for the kids, only my parents and siblings will get unconditional love) it sounds pretty cold. And that's certainly not the kind of marriage I would like to have.
painther said
SA U wrote.."husband ...SA U wrote.."husband satisfied" ??? Why???
Why in our society husband's satisfaction matters more important then mutual satisfaction??
Straight Arrow said
painther what is mutual satisfaction? ...I say husband because the wife and her husband are the ones who will be living togather forever when things are all right between them.
May God bliss every wife with her husband and let them live happily forever.
painther said
SA, mutual satisfaction ...SA, mutual satisfaction means- both husband & wife agree & satisfied on a matter; not only husband.
painther said
SA, mutual satisfaction ...SA, mutual satisfaction means- both husband & wife agree & satisfied on a matter; not only husband.
snessy said
Perhaps if you come from a ...Perhaps if you come from a culture whereby you are forced to change your name, you would want to rebel against that. My husband and I both believe in equal rights but I'm not about to burn my bra!
*****If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all*****
Ice Maiden said
There may be cases where the ...There may be cases where the male dominates, but generally the husband & wife work like a team.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"We live life forward, but understand it backward"
svelte_saggi said
FS,labda ...FS...that depends on how strong the woman is.once a man gets a feeling that a woman is emotionally weak,he WILL dominate her.it's a natural thing.an unsaid law of nature.i don't believe in any kind of domination.both have to be complete equals.
labda...i'm glad to hear that u come from a society that does accept the changing times and goes alongwith it.sadly,mine doesn't allow such variations to a great extent.mentally they are all still very dated.i can't help it.and it requires a whole lot of guts to fight against that system.and i find nothing cold in a marriage that i described.it's always better to lay down certain rules....just to avoid conflicts and quarrels.and i have a morbid fear of fights/arguments/quarrels in a marriage!i try my best to stay away completely!
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
Pajju said
lol at bra :P i heard ...lol at bra :P i heard somewere abt bra :)
Eco-savvy said
What is pretty annoying is brides rushing this name change ...process. I have witnessed many newly weds at Passport office
svelte_saggi said
snessy ...i belong to a society that arrogantly assumes that every girl WILL change her surname to that of her husband's.so it was pretty natural that i chose to rebel.it was a tough fight....but i won :-D
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
svelte_saggi said
eco ...i share ur feelings....used to wonder what's the hurry all about....like they were just waiting to get freedom from their parents or something.....at least in legal documents....duh!
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor
