Love and Sex

Last night I got a call from a very good friend of mine in New York. I was best man at his wedding eleven years ago. He told me that he and his wife were splitting up because she had had a one night stand.

I asked him how he knew. He said that she had told him and broken down in tears and asked for his forgiveness. I then asked him if he still loved her. He said that he did but she had broken his trust and that the marriage had to end. He asked me what I would do if it was me.

I thought about it for a while and concluded that she had not broken his trust because she had told him. She was honest and remorseful. I told him that I would be upset if it was me this had happened to. That my pride would be hurt and that I would be jealous but that I would forget about it and that I certainly would not end the relationship. After all, it is only sex. I said I would try and make the physical side of the relationship better and more frequent and that I wouldn't give it another thought. I wonder if this is true. I think it is.

After all, I have never had a virginal wife or a virginal girlfriend. What do I care if she has had another lover? The relationship is more important than a casual fling brought about by loneliness and his constant business travel. I think if I truly loved someone I could get over an infidelity and move on.

He said he would think about what I said and delay the split until he was sure what he wanted to do.

What would you guys do?

Comments

Same as you. I don't think infidelity is the end of a relationship. People make mistakes, it's human nature, and marriage is more about companionship and being together then it is about sex, or at least it should be. "I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
What happened to my avatar? "I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
r7 r7
I would'nt b able to walk out on some her as well, it would b tough though to think about it n imagining her being with some 1 else.... But I think if u can trust the person not to do the same thing again it should b ok..
what if he had to have sex with another woman and then tell his wife about it..would she be able to forgive him? Sex is sex when u dont have any commitments to another person...but having sex with someone else when ur married is wrong anyway u look at it. Who's to say she wont do it again...since its human nature. Marriage is not only about companionship...its about trust, loyalty...and once trust is broken to the extent of sleeping with someone else its over!
If he absolutly has to have sex with another woman let him. People put far to much emphasis on a physical act. As long as he or she isn't developing emotional attachements to the other people, to the point where they might leave their spouse, then really there are bigger things to worry about in a marriage then random acts of infidelity. "I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
but doesnt that still count as cheating on ur spouse? how can THAT be ok?
There is no right or wrong answer and it would vary from relationship to relationship. It also depends on the circumstances and frequency of the infidelity. Speaking personally, If I looked into my wife's eyes and truly saw remorse, then I would forgive her...because we all make mistakes and I believe in second chances. The marriage would suffer greatly though, and the trust would be shattered. We would have to work hard to rebuild it...but no, the marriage would not be over because of one mistake. However I fully understand, and my wife has told me this in no uncertain terms (jokingly of course, but I think many a true word is spoken in jest), that if I strayed, the marriage would be over. Not that I would, but I cannot fault her for her convictions. Either way its a major event in the life of the marriage, and its effects will resound in the future of the relationship (if it has one), as well as the lives of both partners (and maybe children if there are any). I think your advice to think long and hard on it is very wise Richard. I hope nobody every finds themslves in such an awful situation, but the reality is of course people do. Stay safe all. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
It's not Ok, like Raider just said it's a major situation in the marriage, but it's not worth giving up the marriage for. "I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
While the physical act is only one small component of a marriage, and we should not put ALL the emphasis on it, I don't think trivializing it is the way to go either. After all, the lifelong pair bonding of a marriage (institutionalized or not) involves the complete trust and forsaking all other for your soulmate. If the physical means nothing, then you open the door to frequent infidelity. Unless of course its an open marriage and both partners are ok with that, then its no big deal. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
What a wonderful thought to ponder. Marraige is the ultimate level in a relationship and should not be consider likely as girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. I believe If such matter occurs then it should be one of the tests, that both husband and wife should learn how to manage well. Consider the factors - before it happen, when it happens and the consequences after.. after. Mistake can not be corrected by another mistake - separation or divorce is never a solution to a relationship founded with love and commitment.
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I think this type of infidelity could also be just a symptom that something needs fixing in the relationship. I agree it doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship, in fact in some cases it could bring improvements too … It should not be recursive though, in that case infidelity makes the relationship meaningless.
I didn't mean to make it sound trivial, and I don't believe in open marriages, that's just asking for trouble, but at the same time if you are looking at a marriage of some 50 to 60 odd years you have to realized that during that period one or both partners is going to be tempted to stray, probably more then once. Instead of making a huge deal about it, since it is perfectly natural to be tempted, perhaps it's better to just let your spouse get it "Out of their system" so to speak. What's sex with another person once or twice to companionship, love and friendship of 60 years? "I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
Sorry, brief hijack here, OOO how did you get your avatar to appear? "I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
I know several people who this has happened to and they have got through it. It takes a lot of character to forgive someone and to realize that if everything was great that it probably wouldn't have happened in the first place. Strong people accept that humans make mistakes and strong people do not let the mistakes of the past ruin the future. Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi
You almost make it sound inevitable. To be tempetd to cheat...absolutely, we are all human after all....but to act on it? It is a sad fact that most people do, but i'd like to think that this doesn't HAVE to be the case (and I hope i'm right in my own marriage). Imho, humans don't have a mating season for a reason....we have biological needs yes, but never overwhelming to the point that we have no control. People choose when and where and with whom (except in cases of crimes like rape obviously). So even once or twice in a marriage of 60 years....may not spell the end of the marriage, but is a sure sign that something is not right. Of course, every relationship is different, but at least that's how I hope my marriage will be. And sorry Gypsy I didn't meant to sound like you are endorsing open marriages, but to sum up my views I meant simply that while infidelity is not "nothing", it isn't "everything" either. Stay safe all. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
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Gypsy, I don't know, I haven't done anything different from usual … P.S. since we are hijacking here: welcome back Richard!
Who on earth or rather what percentage of married persons did not have an encounter or an affair or a fantasy or an intention or a desire outside the "plate" Well that lady did have a one night stand and she admitted it. Do not know the circumstances. Eventually we are not angels. God bless you all
While I get your point Kellysheroes....we are all human....I thinks its dangerous to lump fanatsizing with cheating! As I always tell my wife....it doesn't matter where you get your appetite from, as long as you eat at home =p Stay safe all. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
I thought that a woman can never have sex with a man she doesn't love, and if that was true, then it wasn't just a one night stand, she must have thought about it and desired that other man....However I blieve in forgivness and that life goes on, specially that he loves her, so I guess you are right
the movie "Unfaithful" ~ Diane Lane and Richard Gere! I think what your friend should do is think about it hundred times, do some reflection and do search his heart if he can truly forgives her "because he loves her" not because they are married. Cheers! [img_assist|nid=23961|title=|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=135|height=180] "I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone, I never find a companionable solitude"
nib nib
i cant accept a cheating in marriage. and my wife shud never do that too. but if u realise it will be hard to leave. or if u feel u can still touch her and want her u can go on.. and i believe over there, some girls will never cheat me. u can feel it. or i can. i can sense who will be a better partner for me. everybody shud try to figure out that.
trust is really a big factor in a relationship...but if you will be able to count all the memories you have spent together and planning to spend in the future, maybe it will outshadow that one weakness she had.. it's either weighing things of what will happen if you will leave her and/or continually being with her.. [img_assist|nid=12867|title=Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.|desc= |link=none|align=left|width=44|height=180]
always a cheater. It will always remain in his mind. And it will give him a reason to cheat himself. There always be that sentence “but, you cheated first..” Perhaps if he cheated, she would’ve forgiven him. But not the other way around
Do you really think that a woman can only have sex with a man she loves? Women have sex drives just like men and they have the same sexual desires. Most do not act on them as much as men but I think that is more down to social mores and a male culture that thinks that a woman is a whore or is cheap if she has sexual desire for any other than her husband. Nearly all women have sexual desires for many men. Most don't act on these desires but some do and that's fine with me. Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi
We are human beings both men and women, we do have equal desires. Women and men differs on the controlling power to act upon those desires. And cheating is not only when you acted upon it.It's there the minute you think and desire about it. Cheers! [img_assist|nid=23961|title=|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=135|height=180] "I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone, I never find a companionable solitude"
Always in the middle east thinking that if that happen from the man the wife can forgive but from the woman the man can't forgive.Becasue as a man he had a sex only for sex but woman need for warm & love. From my side I can't forgive actually from both of them. It's my personal decision Life is like ice cream,enjoy it before it melts. I'm coming from the lost Paradise
sorry to hijack..what happen to all of our avatars? do we have avatar nappers on the site? ehehehehe..:P [img_assist|nid=12867|title=Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.|desc= |link=none|align=left|width=44|height=180]
The 2 things i'm getting out of this thread are thoughts like: 1)it's ok to think and act on it...we are only human. 2)its not ok to think and act on it. (It in the above cases refers to the temptation to cheat). Let me just clarify (all imho of course): 1)its normal to THINK about it...we are only human...it ok. 2)its NOT normal or alright to ACT on it (unless its an open marriage, and Gypsy and I do NOT endorse these). The topic was whether it should cause an END to the marriage or not. Stay safe all. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
the moral is 'dont tell the truth' she made the mistake - she should have worked it out herself or with someone else. by giving the information - she makes it someone's elses responsibility and pain to deal with it and that someone is her husband. if he doesn't divorce then he is saying it is ok. if he does he is unforgiving poor guy can't win if a man hits his wife... how many times should she forgive him? both are a betrayal of trust, belief and faith. i think it is selfish of her to tell him. if my partner was cheating i wouldnt' want to be told - maybe i would have my own reasons for turning a blind eye.
Again sorry for the thread jacking, but please add another voice to the: "wtf happened to our avatars?" list! Stay safe all. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
*Nearly all womans have sexual desires for many men*???? So you know not a lot about the feelings and desires of us woman. :-D Wake up and face the reality,we want the one we love and not *many others* *Create your own destiny,fighting against your dark sides,raise your spirituality.Every day is a new day.A new life. Keep the faith!*
VERY interesting question you brought out in my mind...if your spouse was cheating, would you WANT to know? Sorry if its considered thread jacking, but its so related to our topic...or am I remiss in posing this question? Either way my respect and apologies Richard. Be safe all. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
nib nib
ahm if the thing swiss girl said is correct i ll have happy marriage but bad teens. if opposite crazy teens and unhappy marriage:p
Blinded faith, for me, I think it will haunt me in the end. :-) Cheers! [img_assist|nid=23961|title=|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=135|height=180] "I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone, I never find a companionable solitude"
Maybe I am wrong. I am quite happy to wake up and face reality. Are you really telling me that women do not have sexual desires for more than one man? I am not saying they act on them. All I am saying is that women are human and have sexual desires just like men. I know many women who are sexually attracted to men other than their partners. These attractions are often fleeting and momentary and most don't act on them because they are loyal and faithful. Are you saying I am wrong in thinking this? Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi
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Ragnarock, yes, I would want to know! I think it'd be more difficult (for me at least) to rebuild the trust in case I found out about the infidelity episode by chance. Now, on the other hand … would I be capable of telling him if I were the one to cheat??? I don't know that …
Assuming they have a happy marriage I'm surprised the woman TOLD her husband about it in the first place! If it ain't broken why mend it? Whether or not she intended to stray again, to put her marriage on the line for a one night stand makes no sense.
nib nib
it cant be a one night stand. i am sure woman saw the guy for some more time also..
Well,maybe you are right.I can speak only for myself and not for all woman in general.Some are bitches that is well known.For myself i can truly say i cant imagine to be together with another one then my love.Because no other knows me like he do and to no other i trust like i trust him.Well and to make love with the one you trust is much better. :-D *Create your own destiny,fighting against your dark sides,raise your spirituality.Every day is a new day.A new life. Keep the faith!*
well she made a big mistake! she should have not mess with him. but as you said the man is always away so she was tempted! trust is very difficult to achieve. that's why we heave this called 7 years itch with married people. I have been away from my husband for almost 7 months, he was in Saudi for provision period but we email and call each other every single day to remind ourselves how much we love each other. maybe you're friend neglected her! If he can feel he still love her, it's a pity to end!
Two things: Women are capable of having sex with men they are not in love with for purely physical reasons. We have needs to and they do not always require an emotional attachment, just a nice firm body lol. Secondly: I agree with Oryx. I think it's pretty obvious I don't consider cheating the end of the relationship, so if my significant other just needs to scratch an itch and doesn't want to end our relationship then I would prefer not to know. "I fight with love and I laugh with rage, you have to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change." Ani Difranco
I admire the wife for coming out in the open. I imagine its not so easy considering the fact it might (and could) ruin the marriage. Did the husband on constant business trips and away most of the time, never cheat on her? If the husband believes she truly regrets it and would wanna save the marriage/relationship, its well worth a try...
as u say she realised that she made a mistake......then my question is why did she tell that to her husband in the very first place (unless she was caught). To me she made another mistake by telling him the truth and in fact tried to ruin their marriage or if she deliberately told him then his response matters a lot and she would be viewing it carefully. One more question..As u know the lady is she dumb or intelligent?
I agree. What is the point of telling? If the fling or affair is over and you really want to make things work, the best thing is to shut up about it. Maybe this woman either had an overblown sense of honesty or she wanted to attract a lot of attention to herself. Maybe she did it because she wanted a dramatic reaction from her husband. Who knows? I guess it is even possible that she never did have an affair and made the whole thing up to force a resolution to an unhappy relationship. We never really know what goes on in each others heads or beds. Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi
Or it could be she wanted him to know because she wants him to divorce her!
great minds think alike.........lol I think she is she is not stupid and if he accepts her........to me thats a go ahead for future endeavours..
If a human being realises his/her mistake and regret what happened, then he/she deserve forgiveness.She confessed, while she could have just not spoken about it.I think he should forgive her. May be his frequent business trips and less quality time spent with her would be a reason for this action.So it would be more appropriate to find out what is 'missing' and fix it than give up a relationship.(If it's the same pain or more that he will have to bare if they break up,why not share the pain with her???)
Marriage is an act of commitment... You got to be with her no matter the problems. .........if she has Cancer. .........if she has Alzimer's .........if she has life-long paralysis .........if she is in coma & Richard your friend is thinking about one-act-of-infidelty. One act of Infidelty is the easiest (because everybody acknowledges that it hurts one's ego) excuse to leave your spouse. But it would be different matter if the person is a habitual offender. What if she had not told him? What if she continued the relationship? What would he do if his daughter had a one night stand?....disown her? Just because the man & his wife are not related by blood does it mean that he can close the door on her?
Your friend should not make a hasty decision and think twice before taking a decision. It does not matter what happens to you but what matters is how you react when it happens.
nib nib
no guys.. my opinion is that she definetaly wants to divorce . he has to ask if first to his wife..
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What if your partner has an absolutely meaningless one night stand and does not tell you about it. But then, sometimes later, you somehow find out about it. At this point he/she admits it and you are back to square one or … denies it in which case the trust could be gone forever! I would want to know it from him!
Richard123 - Your friend didn't ask you to post your conversation here and seek others opinions.:)
As long as he didn't name his friend CharanSanitwong, then he can seek others' opinions, and no trust has been violated. I would have been livid (for his friends) had he named them, but give Richard a little more credit than that ;) Stay safe all. Perfection does not exist. The question therefore, is: what level of imperfection are we willing to settle for?
it sounds to me like she got caught out or, at the very least, suspected of having a fling, by her husband and that's the reason she had to tell him the truth. Richard said of his friend "He said that she had told him and broken down in tears and asked for his forgiveness." I guess she had to admit to it, for whatever reason, as opposed to 'confess' (which would be voluntary). I had a friend in a similar situation, her husband was away a lot and even when at home never objected to her being out late with friends from the office. He was never particularly interested in their sex life. One day he asked her directly if she had had an affair. Something about the way he asked made her sure he knew she had strayed, so she admitted it to it and held her breath. No more was said that night about the affair. Next day they couldn't pass each other in the house without hugging, kissing and weeping. The love was safe. Both understood why the affair had occurred and, if anything, it served to strengthen their marriage.
Agree totally. My friend is reading this and that is the conclusion that he has come to. I think we can end this now unless anyone has anything new to contribute. Thanks guys Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary. Mahatma Gandhi
I can't believe that would be the case for many marriages, but it was in my friend's case. They had a strong relationship to begin with and one which had never been primarily based on sex.
won't hurt... your friend will eventually get the right answer.
Committment is the key word here. How strong is her committment to him when she is having sex with another man? This will in any case interfere with the future of this marriage. Do you think for one minute if she goes out on her own or comes home late he will not be asking himself where she is and with whom she is? I know I would. Once there is a crack in the plate it will never be whole again. What would he think for instance if she were to get pregnant would he not think if this child belongs to him? I know I would ask myself this question. This post has much deeper aspects than just a plain forgive and forget.
a particular case.......I agree the wife has to look somewhere to fullfill her needs if he is ignoring her for whatever reasons. I know a case where after so many years of marriage the woman was caught red handed with her best friend by her husband but he still has continued with the marrige because of his children, although she wanted a divorce.She told my wife he ignored her and some how or the other she got involved with the other woman. Libedo varies from person to person and deminishes with age.Also rarely do u find libedo in women matching that of men. So one should not take the other person for granted and be inconsiderate of his/her needs. There is an old saying in our language.....If the PEG is strong the cow wont break off.
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Canarybird - you forgive (if you can), to forget takes time and efforts
I like that analogy about the peg and the cow lol I would say that if a lady, of normal libido, is satisfied by/with her man and they have a good and interesting ;o) sex life then she would have no need to stray - there would be no need unless, of course, there is something else wrong in the basic marriage or the woman is just plain, old fashioned, promiscuous!!! Whatever, if one partner does go elsewhere for a bonk then the other is going to suffer a bruised ego for sure.
If i am in wife situation & had one night stand, i will not tell to my hub to avoid hurting him and to save my marriage intact!!! LoL.... ***kidding but sometimes it happen to our sorroundings right?! Well, were humans nor no one created to be perfect. Sometimes things happen & whatever regrets we can never bring it back so better dont look in one side. Sometimes things happen for a reason... My advice, listen to his heart on what it says. If God can forgive why cant us! so the best thing to do is ask for our Heavenly Father's guidance!!!...That is why i tryed to keep myself away from that kind of scenario even if sometimes rain comes fall w/my relationship bcoz trust is so hard to earn. But if my hub cheat on me??? I will cheat on him more than what he did...Hahahhaa....Im joking here coz everyone are so serious about it.....Lolzzzzzz
Well guys, in my personal opinion its cheating, but since she has been honest by telling, I dont think its cheating now. Its HARD to accept for a man, but if you bear in mind good old days you enjoyed, you can easily forget it. We always forget things. Better enjoy your chocolate life!
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