Canterbury

INDEPENDENT faith schools in the UK have been warned that differing types of voodoo must be taught with the same accuracy as their own brand of mojambo.

School inspectors found many teachers in faith schools used air-quotes when discussing rival theories and habitually ended lessons by making gestures by moving their hand while poking their tongue against the inside of their cheek.

Schools inspector, Tom Logan, said: "Unfortunately more than 80% of Britain's Catholic schools now display a poster of Archbishop of Canterbury sporting a crudely-drawn pair of satanic horns.

"Meanwhile, Muslim schools have altered their computer spellcheckers so that whenever a child writes 'Christian' or 'Buddhist' a little box appears saying 'it looks like you're trying to spell 'b*****d infidel'."

Finally, the Church is moving with the times .....

SHOULD IT ? WHAT SAY YOU ?

The Church of England unveils a two-in-one wedding and baptism liturgy today as it seeks to make peace with families “living in sin”.

The “hatch-and-match” service allows couples to baptise their children after the wedding ceremony. Parents can even get baptised themselves.

The aim is to encourage cohabiting parents to marry as the Church tries to become more relevant to the way people live their lives, but critics said that it appeared to sanction having children out of wedlock. One bishop described the idea as “nutty”.

"Unhand my patio heater, archbishop.

By Jeremy Clarkson

The Archbishop of Canterbury told the faithful on Christmas Day that unless human beings abandon our greed, we will be responsible for the death of the planet.

Hmm. I’m not sure that I can take a lecture on greed from a man who heads one of the western world’s richest institutions. As we huddle under a patio heater to stay warm while having a cigarette in the rain, his bishops are living in palatial splendour with banqueting halls, wondering where to invest the next billion.