Edna Dripgumb

After a year of research into the antiseptic qualities of the typical over-the-counter, alcohol based hand sanitizer, researchers now admit that the ingredients in the sanitizer are no more effective than the spit from any mother's mouth.

Side by side comparisons were done using Ethyl Alcohol, the active ingredient in most hand sanitizers, against the spit from a group of 25 mothers, all with two children or more. While the alcohol based sanitizer did well enough against dirt and most germs, the test female saliva proved to be better in the extermination of other bacteria typically found in playground dirt, candy wrappers and especially cooties from other young children.

"I've always known that a quickly moistened handkerchief could save the day", says Mrs. Edna Dripgumb. "Nothing cleans up my boys face like a phlegm-free spit into my trusty hanky. Who needs wet-wipes or that nasty pump sanitizer when my mouth can do the job." Clearly, many other mothers were of the same opinion, even without the results of the study.

The Spitoon Institute who published the original study, was forced into releasing a follow up instructional document about the proper methods for using a mother's spit. Some it seems were launching loogies at their children in public instead of into a handkerchief, which is illegal in some countries. Others who were regular chewing tobacco users missed out on the concept of starting with "clean" spit in the first place. People with further questions were encouraged to call the SI hotline for proper spitting and wiping instructions.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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