Funnies

Little jhonny watched his dadd's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Karen in passionate embrace. Little jhonny found this so exiciting that he could not contain himself as he ran and started to tell his mother.
Mommy i was at the playground and i saw dadd's car go into the woods with aunt karen. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Karen a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, Then Aunt Karen helped daddy to take his pants off. Then Aunt Karen......
At this point Mommy cut him off. "jhonny, This is such an intresting story. Why dont you save the rest of it for supper time? I want to see the look on dadd's face when you tell it tonight."

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

http://uk.youtube.co...

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello ?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "
H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

According to a news report, a certain private school in
> Sydney was
> recently faced with a unique problem.
>
> A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
> lipstick and would put
> it on in the bathroom.
>
> After they put on their lipstick they would press their
> lips to the mirror
> leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>
> Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the
> next day the girls
> would put them back.
>
> Finally the principal decided that something had to be
> done.
>
> She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there
> with the
> maintenance man.
>
> She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
> major problem for the
> custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night –

1. Take notes in finger paint.

2. At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.

3. Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, “Oh, now I get it!”

4. Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: “Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!”

5. Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.

6. Make a face like somebody beside you farted.

7. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called.

8. Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

9. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."