Funnies

ABC

OverLord — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:39:55 +0000

Now all the QL members you guys are talking about all sorts of different topics why don't we review our ABC.

A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z Now we have learned our ABC next time don't forget to be with me.

Mr.Lee Sum Wan and Mr.Sori

unick — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:28:02 +0000

Sam Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan.

Mr. Sori: Yes, you could speak to me.

Sam Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Sam Wan: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Sori: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Sam Wan: Well just tell my sister, Annie Wan, that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr. Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!!!

Sam Wan: You are rude. Who are you?

Mr. Sori: I'm Sori.

Sam Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr. Sori: I'm Sori!!

Sam Wan: I don't like your tone of voice, Mister! And I don't care, give me your name!

Mr. Sori: Look man, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!

Sam Wan: I told you before I'm Sam Wan! I'm Sam Wan!!! You better be careful, my father is Sam Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy!

Mr. Sori: Oh I'm so scared (sarcastically). Look I don't care about your uncle who's nobody. Everybody thinks they're top dog and holding an important position in the company.

Sam Wan: No, Avery Buddy just married my uncle who's Noe Buddy. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.

Mr. Sori: Like I said, I don't care if your uncle screws everybody and I also know that not everyone works here! Jeez!!!

Sam Wan: Now, Avery Wan is my mother!

Mr. Sori: You need one! Okay, look, I got work to do and if I'm feeling mischievous I'll broadcast it on the P.A. system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyone's brother just got involved in an accident. No one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe somebody but if you're their uncle, you're nobody." how bout that?

Sam Wan: Why don't you do it right now?

Mr. Sori: Fine! I will! (irritably announces message)

Sam Wan: ...by the way Yoe Nead Wan is also my cousin who is your supervisor.

Mr. Sori: Whatever! I don't care who you're related to anymore. And my supervisor is Yoe... (long pause) Oh... I'm sorry...

Sam Wan: Sorry?!! Sorry?!! ...Sori? (long pause) Are you the guy dating my sister-in-law, Annie Moore?

Mr. Sori: No... Not anymore...

Police

coolio78 — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:02:45 +0000

.
A PJ to end your day...

-----------------------------

Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime in a convenience store. One asks the manager what happened.

He replies "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead."

"That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday? And another covered in Wheata Flakes last week?"

"Your right" said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a Cereal killer."

---------------------------

end of PJ

ha hahahahahaha...

Irish Christening

China Syndrome — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 03:49:04 +0000

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a Deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them'.

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother,he's a clueless idiot...'

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name I Guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise'

Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies

'Denephew'

New diet rules

LEB-XPAT — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:52:28 +0000

New diet rules

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Difference

ruki — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 09:44:36 +0000

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.
But there is a difference.

When you love the right one you are COMPLETE.
&
When you love the wrong one you are FINISHED!

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlord

t_coffee_or_me — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 17:43:02 +0000

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

It's EPL Weekend!!!

China Syndrome — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 17:01:05 +0000

OK, Football theme to go with the EPL fans ............

Non football (soccer) fans, ignore this post!!!:-)

Famous Kevin Keegan Quotes ............

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."

"You get bunches of players like you do bananas..though that is a bad comparison."

" Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America ."

"They're the second best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that."

"One of his strengths is not heading."

"He's using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength."

"My father was a miner and he worked down a mine."

" Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria . I know they're different countries..."

"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland 's fans are second to none."

"Against France we'll have to be at our best both technically, tactically and spirit-wise."

"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."

"We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half."

"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."

"The 33 or 34 year olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."

" Maine Road was a great football stadium but as time moved on it stayed where it is..."

" Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."

" Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."

"The tide is very much in our court now."

"The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23."

"You don't get two chances at this level, or at any other level for that matter."

"He can't speak Turkey , but you can tell he's delighted."

"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders."

"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."

"It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."

Don't copy if you can't paste

alsboy — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 11:51:30 +0000

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he 'The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added… 'And that woman was my mother!'

Laughter and applause…

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly… 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'

The wife went mad with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out '….and I can't remember who she was!'

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Drug addicts

asamarji — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 10:46:20 +0000

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"

The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

[mod note: Please post these in the 'Funnies' forum, and don't flood us with loads every day.]