Christmas Cracker Jokes!

jauntie
By jauntie

'Tis the Season to be Jolly!

Is it just the silly Brits who have the traditional 'one-liner' corny jokes/riddles in their Christmas Crackers?

Well here goes .... a thread dedicated to the ridiculous, corny, irreverent, Christmas Cracker joke/riddle.

Add your own. They have to be short enough to fit on a tiny piece of paper which comes out of a Christmas Cracker wrapped inside that ubiquitous paper hat that only Grand Dad can wear and still look normal!

I'll start you off ...

Q. What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A. A do-you-think-he-saw-us.

Get the idea?

Q. Did you hear about the man who bought a newspaper shop?
A. It blew away.

Over to QL imaginatives :D

By britexpat• 13 years 7 months ago.
britexpat

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.

The thief was spending less than his wife did

By alfa Q• 13 years 7 months ago.
alfa Q

Q. What did one rat say to other?

A. Com'on i'll show you my hole.

By anonymous• 13 years 7 months ago.
anonymous

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A barber queue

By britexpat• 13 years 7 months ago.
britexpat

When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?

The day his hand caught on fire

By jauntie• 13 years 7 months ago.
jauntie

'Cos they chase parked cars

(No offence to the Irish - just change to the nationality of your choice) :D

By britexpat• 13 years 7 months ago.
Rating: 2/5
britexpat

What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods has a reliable driver

By alfa Q• 13 years 7 months ago.
alfa Q

What's the similarity between freedom fighters & sanitary napkins?

Both say " You give me blood, I will give you freedom"

By britexpat• 13 years 7 months ago.
britexpat

The fight we had last night was my fault,

Mrs Expat asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

By britexpat• 13 years 7 months ago.
britexpat

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard

By Dracula• 13 years 7 months ago.
Dracula

By alfa Q• 13 years 7 months ago.
Rating: 2/5
alfa Q

What is the similarity between a land cruiser & piles?

Sooner or later every ass-hole gets one or the other.

Myspace code

By britexpat• 13 years 7 months ago.
britexpat

on the same topic..

What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"

Stevie Wonder doing Rubik's Cube

By the way,

What does our Dracula never order at a restaurant?

A stake sandwich...

By jauntie• 13 years 7 months ago.
jauntie

What's called Bambi and can't see?

No idea.

What's called Bambi and has no legs and can't see?

Still no idea.

By britexpat• 13 years 7 months ago.
britexpat

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 45 lbs.

By jauntie• 13 years 7 months ago.
jauntie

What do you say to someone who has 3 heads, no arms and only one leg?

'ello, 'ello, 'ello! You look 'armless. Hop it!

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Sadly, last night, Mrs Expat and I had words.

I didn't get to use mine.

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 4/5
r7

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

By the way, I thought coq au vin was making love in a lorry.

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 2/5
r7

Knock Knock

Who's there ?

Avery

Avery who ?

Avery merry Christmas !

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

who has one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen

gawd! lol

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 2/5
r7

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

Q. If your feet smell and your nose runs, what are you?

A. Built upside down.

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 3/5
r7

I know but i just laughed so much with tht 1 thought id share it with u guys... Sorry !!!

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

I jumped into a taxi and said "King Arthur's close".

The taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 3/5
r7

I dont think any thning tops my NUN joke :) ive been laughing like crazy after readin tht 1 !!!!

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Cracker jokes are supposd to be very short.. One liners if possible..

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
r7

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”

The hippie of course says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, “You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie! ”

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

Roses are red

Violets are bluish

If it wasn't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish

hehehehe

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 4/5
r7

What was the centerpiece of the annual Anorexia and Bulimnia sufferers convention?

A cake jumping out of a girl.

By r7• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 4/5
r7

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What do you do with dead chemists?

Barium

By sue jc• 13 years 8 months ago.
sue jc

Christmas has been cancelled..!!

Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year and

He died laughing…!!

LOL

By SAMAEL• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 2/5
SAMAEL

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

There were two biscuits, on a plate, all ready for Santa to eat. One biscuit decided to go and hide in the biscuit tin as it didn't want to get eaten. As it was going to the kitchen, Santa came in and stood on it and all the other biscuit could say was 'Crumbs'!.

____________________________

By SAMAEL• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 4/5
SAMAEL

What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?

The outside.

what carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!

____________________________

By Dracula• 13 years 8 months ago.
Dracula

don't throw the shoes!

otherwise, you'll get 15 :)

By SAMAEL• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 4/5
SAMAEL

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

____________________________

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?

Ouch...

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."

His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

By Dracula• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 2/5
Dracula

What's the difference between dark and strong?

Dark it's all the night!

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?

Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford

By Pieman• 13 years 8 months ago.
Pieman

What´s the difference between a snowman and a snowoman

snowballs

just eat another pie

By Harry99• 13 years 8 months ago.
Harry99

How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?

Give the bitch a shovel

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

A: Santa Claus laughing his head off

By Dracula• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 2/5
Dracula

get 100 and wait until 1 will die :0)

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?

Yell "Bingo!"

By who.am.i• 13 years 8 months ago.
who.am.i

ROFL!!

cheers,

paul

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?

Someone who likes sheep and goats

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Bar tender?"

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

err - where are you!

Oops your name says it all I suppose ...

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

err - where are you!

By anonymous• 13 years 8 months ago.
anonymous

Speaking of Christmas, I've still got shopping to do.

See ya guys!

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

quite funny, actually lol

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

What is a chicken's favourite song?

I can be so clucky, clucky clucky clucky ...

By anonymous• 13 years 8 months ago.
anonymous

I don't even get this one. Is it funny?

Q. What's Christmas called in England?

A. Yule Britannia! (English Christmas Humour!)

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

very funny!

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

That's a good one..:0)

I don't know whether you've got kids, but for Xmas, why not get the little girl a new "Divorce Barbie"?

It comes with all of Ken's stuff

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut

I'm soooo pathetic! I can't stop giggling, here!

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

Yes, lots about animals and bars - love the one-liners :D

Oh, and, one for the kiddy within you.

Q. What has a bottom at the top?

A. A leg!

.,

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

A white horse walks into a bar.

Barman says: 'We've got a drink named after you'

Horse says: 'What? You have a drink called Eric?'

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

By anonymous• 13 years 8 months ago.
anonymous

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?

Crisp Cringle.

By anonymous• 13 years 8 months ago.
anonymous

Ah Jauntie, that's almost like the one my son told me the other day-

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says- We've got a drink named after you.

The grasshopper says- Why? Who would name a drink 'Bob'?

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

Barman says:

We don't serve food here!

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Did you hear about the Aussie who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

A deep pan crisp and even

:D

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

A skeleton walks into bar and says "i'd like a beer... and a mop".

By anonymous• 13 years 8 months ago.
anonymous

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What's gray and comes in quarts?

An elephant.

By anonymous• 13 years 8 months ago.
anonymous

Groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

A mince spy :D

OK I'm outta here lol

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

a carrot

OK scraping the barrel a bit on that one lol

By edifis• 13 years 8 months ago.
edifis

more more

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

Because they are Smarties in the nude.

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?

Hope you like Jammin too.

hehehehe

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' Jammin

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

What did one snowman say to the other?

"Can you smell carrots?"

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

Will check back later/tomorrow

Should have 'em rolling in the aisles by then lol

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

What does a Buddhist ask for when he orders a pizza?

Make me one with everything.

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

What's got 12 legs and one eye

3 blind mice and half a kipper

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Loved it!

By the way, where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

What kind of lights did Noah have on the Ark?

Floodlights

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 3/5
jauntie

What's pink and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas?

Your head

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
jauntie

A baa baa's shop

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

By ONEmakikomoto• 13 years 8 months ago.
ONEmakikomoto

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.

LOL.,

________________

veni, vidi, vici.

By ONEmakikomoto• 13 years 8 months ago.
ONEmakikomoto

What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?

I'm all ears!

_________________

veni, vidi, vici.

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Why'd they call it PMS?

Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

By ONEmakikomoto• 13 years 8 months ago.
ONEmakikomoto

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?

You bump your nose on the ceiling.

_________________

veni, vidi, vici.

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

By tallg• 13 years 8 months ago.
tallg

Yep. I've had to stop though cos I'm having problems balancing the 5th hat on top of the other 4 on my head.

By Pieman• 13 years 8 months ago.
Pieman

tallg.....................................are you sat there opening a box of crackers

just eat another pie

By tallg• 13 years 8 months ago.
tallg

What do you give a man who has everything?

Antibiotics.

By tallg• 13 years 8 months ago.
tallg

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

By tallg• 13 years 8 months ago.
tallg

How do you make a cat go 'Woof'?

Pour petrol on it, then light it.

By tallg• 13 years 8 months ago.
tallg

What has 4 legs and says 'Aaaaa'?

A sheep with no lips.

By tallg• 13 years 8 months ago.
tallg

What has 4 legs and says 'Boo'?

A cow with a cold.

By who.am.i• 13 years 8 months ago.
who.am.i

What should you do if an idiot throws a pin at you?

Run, they've got a grenade in their mouth!

cheers,

paul

By britexpat• 13 years 8 months ago.
britexpat

What's black and white and red all over ?

A nun in a blender..

By jauntie• 13 years 8 months ago.
Rating: 4/5
jauntie

Q: What's green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell on you out of a tree?

A: A snooker table.

It is all very well to be able to write books, but can you waggle your ears? JM BARRIE (1860 -1937)

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