New Jokes - June onwards :)

britexpat
By britexpat

Too much serious discussion going on..

Time for some humour, but some newer jokes please .......

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

By ssssoft• 13 years 3 days ago.
ssssoft

HAVE YOU LOOKED THROUGH HER BRIEFS?

HE IS ONE HARD JUDGE!

COUNSELOR: LETS DO IT IN THE CHAMBERS!

HER ATTORNEY WITHDREW AT THE LAST MINUTE!

IS IT A PENAL OFFENSE?

BETTER LEAVE THE HANDCUFFS ON!

FOR $200 AN HOUR, SHE BETTER BE GOOD!

CAN YOU GET HIM TO DROP HIS SUIT?

THE JUDGE GAVE HER THE STIFFEST ONE HE COULD!

THINK YOU CAN GET ME OFF?

By alfa Q• 13 years 3 weeks ago.
alfa Q

Women and Her 3 Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will

flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good.....

Male readers: Continue

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!

By britexpat• 13 years 3 weeks ago.
britexpat

There's a drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.

Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.

Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.

"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."

"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"

"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"

By eng256• 13 years 3 weeks ago.
eng256

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

By hassan1024• 13 years 3 weeks ago.
hassan1024

You know it was a good $hit when you get back to your desk an your screensaver's on....

By britexpat• 13 years 3 weeks ago.
britexpat

There was once the landlord of a public house who had a pet parrot. The parrot lived in the main room and was much admired by all the regulars.

Unfortunately, one day the parrot was chased by a cat the inevitable result was to be expected. The landlord was heart broken.

For the following year, the landlord was sure he sometimes heard his parrot talking to him. A year to the day after the parrot died, the landlord was sitting in his establishment after closing time doing the accounts. He looked up and saw the ghost of his dead parrot.

"Hello" said the landlord "what are you doing here"

"I'm a parrot who can't rest" replied the parrot "I can't go to parrot heaven and I've been stuck here as a ghost for the past year"

"What's the matter" asks the landlord "can I help?"

"Well" replied the parrot "when I met my end my tail came off and I can't go to heaven until my tail is put back on, I've had to carry it with me for the past year. Can you put my tail back on?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that" replied the landlord "it would be against the law"

"Now just why would that be?" asked the ghost parrot.

"Well" said the landlord, "This is a licensed pub and it's against the law for me to re-tail spirits after closing time"

By eng256• 13 years 4 weeks ago.
eng256

Too tired of reading about ...................

Needed some good humour.

Thanks guys/galls/folks (not offending anyone)

By britexpat• 13 years 4 weeks ago.
britexpat

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

By LupiN• 13 years 4 weeks ago.
LupiN

Cheating Wife Investigated:

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn’t have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one — a Chinese man named Mr. Lee. The following day he received following report:

Mr. Honorable sir:

You leave house. I watch house. he come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with he. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

hear no evil ... see no evil ... speak no evil

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

By _noms_• 13 years 1 month ago.
_noms_

Question : What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah ???

Answer : Wow! New Underwear!!!!

~noms~

-----------------------------------------

"Before God we are all equally wise ' and equally foolish" - Albert Einstein

By ssssoft• 13 years 1 month ago.
ssssoft

A mall appointed a new salesman. The boss decided to keep an eye on him to see how he went about his job. He found him selling a fishing rod to a customer. The customer purchased the rod and was leaving when the salesman looked at the shoe the customer was wearing and suggested

that he get a pair of sports shoe as it will not be wise to use his patent leather shoes to go fishing.

Now, after purchasing the fishing rod and the sports shoe as the customer was moving towards the cashier, salesman suggested that the customer purchase a sun hat, because he will have to be in the sun the whole day. The salesman also suggested biscuits, other eatables, soft drinks, water and even a basket to put all the fish caught. The total amount of bill now came to over USD 200.

The boss was very happy. He appreciated the salesman for his wonderful selling methods.

It was then that the salesman told him: " Well boss, the guy actually came to buy some napkins for his wife. It was me who suggested that he go fishing, since he wont have anything to do at home for the next four days

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

A man who had just died, arrived at heaven.s gate. Before allowing him

entry, St. Peter asked him if he.d ever loved a woman.

.No,. the man replied, .Not a single one..

.Did you have a friend you cared for?.

.No..

.Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature?.

.No..

.What took you so long to get here?. asked a surprised St. Peter. .You.ve been

dead for ages..

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked, .How many times

have you been imprisoned?.

.Nine, you Honour..

.Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence..

.Maximum sentence?. said the defendant. .Don.t you give your regular clients

a discount

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. .The lift will be

down presently,. the receptionist told him.

.The lift?. said the American. .Oh, you mean the elevator..

.No, I mean the lift.. replied the Englishman.

.I think I should know what it is called,. said the American. .Elevators were

invented in the States..

.Perhaps,. retorted the Englishman. .But we invented the language..

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a

well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. .Give me your money,. he

demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, .You can.t do this.I.m a politician!.

.In that case,. replied the robber, .give me my money!.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a

well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. .Give me your money,. he

demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, .You can.t do this.I.m a politician!.

.In that case,. replied the robber, .give me my money!.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly

emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he.d outpace the cop, the

man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car.s speed rose to sixty, then

seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and

pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: .Listen, Mister, I

have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good

excuse and I.ll let you go..

The man thought for a moment and said: .Three weeks ago my wife ran off

with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were

that officer and were trying to give her back to me..

No ticket.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a

bomb, which one of them had in his lap.

.Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,. said the man carrying

the explosive.

.Don.t worry,. the driver assured him, .we have got a spare one in the boot.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Apatient complains to a famous psychologist: .Professor, I.ve been having

terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me..

.Who.s been treating you until now?.

.Dr Lal Rathor..

.I see. He.s an idiot. I.m curious to know what he advised you to do..

.To come and see you..

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Aforeign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the

Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it

took to build.

.Twenty years,. replied the guide.

.You Indians are a lazy lot,. the tourist said. .In my country, this could have

been built in five..

At Agra he admired the Taj.s beauty and asked how many years it took to

build.

.Only ten years,. said the guide.

The tourist retorted: .You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings

in two-and-a-half..

In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have

been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the

Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: .I don.t

know. It wasn.t there yesterday evening..

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Maid: What do you want, sir?

Visitor: I want to see your master.

Maid: What.s your business, please?

Visitor: There is a bill...

Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...

Visitor: Which I have to pay him...

Maid: And he returned this morning.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it”

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Michael Jackson is to have a new song recorded in his honour....

It's called "Don't let your son go down on me"

By anonymous• 13 years 1 month ago.
anonymous

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your b*lls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

UkEngQatar staggers out of the Irish Harp one Friday evening, just as a fire a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, he drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,

"If that's the way you want it,you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he

turned her down, saying: .Your salary is already higher than that of the

secretary at the next desk. And she has five children..

.Excuse me,. the efficient woman replied, .I thought we got paid for what we

produce here.not for what we produce at home in our own time.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Teacher: .Everything you do is wrong. How can you expect to get a job

when you leave school.

Pupil: .Well, sir! I.m going to be a TV weatherman.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written

examination. Since he was the Chief.s nephew, the examiner decided to go

easy on him with the oral test.

.Who shot Abraham Lincoln?., asked the examiner.

The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have

sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back

the next morning.

When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, .Well, how did it go?

Did you get the job?..

.I think so,. he replied. .They have already got me working on a case..

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Father: .Would you still love my daughter even if she were poor?.

Suitor: .Of course..

Father: .You.re no good. We don.t want fools in our family

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Teacher: .Who were the first human beings?.

Pupil: .Adam and Eve..

Teacher: .And what nationality were they?.

Pupil: Indian, of course..

Teacher: .And how ho you know they were Indian?.

Pupil: .Easy. They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear and only

one apple between them - and they called it Paradise

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Chemistry Teacher: .Can you give me the formula for water?.

Student: .H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-..

Chemistry Teacher: .Where did you get an idea like that?.

Student: .You told us the other day it was H to O..

By Bluemountain• 13 years 1 month ago.
Bluemountain

That doctor didn't see egg plant in ________ and Zukini in______________.

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Rolf Harris is reported to be upset about the death of Michael Jackson...

He was supporting at O2, and they were hoping to do "Two Little Boys".

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Everyone remember where they were and what they were doing when Michael Jackson died....

I was broken down on Hollywood Boulevard, holding up an ambulance.

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Brit on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Brit remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Come on - Post the joke...

By gtim• 13 years 1 month ago.
gtim

Komplit version na toh!:

Dad: anak, bili mo ko softdrink

Anak: coke 0 pepsi?

Dad: coke

Anak: diet o regular?

Dad: regular

Anak: bote o can?

Dad: bote.

Anak: 8 oz o litro?

Dad: kamote! 2big na ng lang!

Anak: natural o mineral?

Dad: mineral.

Anak: malamig o hindi?

Dad: Hampasin kaya kita ng walis!

Anak: tambo o tingting?

Dad: Hayop ka!

Anak: baka o baboy?

Dad: Layas!

Anak: ngayon na bukas?

Dad: ngayon na!

Anak:hatid mo ko o hindi?

Dad: Patayin kaya kita...

Anak: Saksakin o babarilin?

Dad: babarilin

Anak: sa ulo o sa tyan

Dad: PESTE..

Anak: Ipis o daga?

Dad: Aaaaaaahhh!....

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

I didn't want to admit this, but I was bullied at school. I was called all kinds of different names but one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!

From there on it was sticks and stones all the way

By r7• 13 years 1 month ago.
r7

hahaha Good 1 :P

By _noms_• 13 years 1 month ago.
_noms_

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help I’m a Physical Therapist and I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked’. How does that feel’?

He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’

~noms~

-----------------------------------------

"Before God we are all equally wise ' and equally foolish" - Albert Einstein

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

a girl enters a $ex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

I went to a dance evening at a fancy Doha bar last night..

Got to the door and the bouncer tells me I can't come in without a tie.

Having no tie, i thought quickly. went to my KIA, and got a pair of jump leads. I wrapped them around my neck and went back to the doorman.

"Can I come in now,' I says.

"Yeah, but don't start anything" said the bouncer.

By micu_ale• 13 years 1 month ago.
micu_ale

Q:what does a pregnant woman represents in a cannibal's vision???

A:a kinder surprise

:)

Never say never

By micu_ale• 13 years 1 month ago.
micu_ale

-Doctor,I have a problem:every morning:at 5o'clock I s..t

-Well,this is a good thing

-Yeah,the problem is that I wake up at 6

:)))))

---------------------------------------------------------

Never say never

By hawker• 13 years 1 month ago.
hawker

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ..

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, tolerant of the weak. Someday you will have been all of these."

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Just got the sad news that a dear friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

Apparently, he was pulled in by a strong currant.

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson?

Ferguson will still be playing Giggs in August.

By buntsokoy_rich• 13 years 1 month ago.
buntsokoy_rich

hahaha Britexpat maybe that person wants to try to eat on every hole of their body... hahaha (thanks for joke) later i'll add some jokes also..

THINK MUCH....

SPEAK LITTLE,

WRITE LESS...

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN!

-IT'S BETTER TO SKIP THE PAIN & MOVED ON-

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Ha ha ha humour in pain also Britexpat haha.

Give him too much bannana,let it exchange out.

For a change try this. ha ha ha.( Is he ok now?)

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

I'm upset. My youngest son swallowed some coins today. I had to leave him at Hamad Hospital.

Just telephoned to ask how he was, and the nurse said, 'No change yet.'

By anonymous• 13 years 1 month ago.
anonymous

a woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre.

so he gave her one.

By obilix• 13 years 1 month ago.
obilix

Ever heard of Einstein's special theory of relativity ?

Says..

' If you run around the tree with the speed of light,...you can see your own arse'...

By Vegas• 13 years 1 month ago.
Vegas

You can't teach experience...

By obilix• 13 years 1 month ago.
obilix

Teacher : expalin 'responsiblity' with example.

Student: Ma'am, your blouse has 4 buttons, if 3 break down, entire 'responsibility' will be on the 4th button

By obilix• 13 years 1 month ago.
obilix

FIFA has just announced that in future, only women will be permitted to be the goal keepers in all the champion league tournaments ..

coz,whatever be the case, they wont let the balls go in..

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

But if they did, then theyd probably look like Angelina Joilie

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Carlsberg Don't Do Female Russian Tennis Players...

But I Would.

By Victory_278692• 13 years 1 month ago.
Victory_278692

QL to Wimbledon.....I like it....

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Talking of watching / seeing things..

Recently, I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

WIMBLEDON 2009

The only way you can legally watch a 15-year-old brunette getting spanked by a grunting Russian woman.

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

My excellent standards....hope that wasn't a joke :P

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

NFH: :o)

Hassan : Way way below your excellent standards..

By the way, i was watching Wimbledon yesterday..Have you noticed that many male tennis players are witches. For example Goran, even he's a witch.

By Ambat• 13 years 1 month ago.
Ambat

Excellent replies (miss universe contest)

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen..

Question: How can you say so?

Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman.........................

(Applause! Applause!)

SPAIN

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening....

(Applause! Applause!)

PHILIPPINES

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth........

(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

SAUDI ARABIA

Question: Ms Soudi Arabia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Saudi: Well, I can say that male organs in Saudi are like thieves.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Saudi: Because they like to enter through the back door......

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

MALAYSIA

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft...........................

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )

SINGAPORE

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over

(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

INDIA

r

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms India: Because it works day and night.......

(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

(And that is why we have a population of 1.2 billion people.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

check out the rest of the Windows Live™. More than mail–Windows Live™ goes way beyond your inbox. More than messages

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

David Beckham and Gary Neville are sitting watching the 5 'o' clock news where a man is threatening to jump off a bridge.

Beckham says to Gary Neville " I bet you £100 that he doesn't jump",

Gary Neville replies '"OK I bet you £100 that he DOES jump"

Sure enough the man jumped off of the bridge and killed himself.

Beckham gets out £100 and gives it to Gary.

Gary says "I can't take your money, it wouldn't be fair. You're my best mate and all that............ I had watched the 12 'o' clock news earlier and it was on then, so I knew he was going to jump"

Beckham replied "I watched the 12 'o' clock news as well but i didn't think that he would jump again"

By anonymous• 13 years 1 month ago.
anonymous

Britexpat goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, sometimes I think I'm a teepee, and other times I think I'm a wigwam. What is it?"

The doctor says, "You're too tense."

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Excellento :0)

Speaking of buying things...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Not exactly a joke....

but the title made me guffaw nontheless...

http://www.qatarliving.com/node/569780

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." :)

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Ronaldo turns to his girlfriend and says "I dont understand, everytime I look at myself naked in the mirror, I get an errection"

His girlfriend says "See! Even your peni$ thinks you're a cnut!"

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Did you hear the one about the deaf cannibal?

Neither did he

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

By Darly• 13 years 1 month ago.
Darly

Two good old boys from the south were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3".

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4

inches tall.

"What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck .

The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said

By Xray• 13 years 1 month ago.
Xray

A plane crash occurred yesterday or the day before on the south side of Ishpeming, Michigan in the Upper Peninsula.

The news media labeled it as " Northern Michigan's Worst Air Disaster."

The local news media is reporting:

"Northern Michigan's worst air disaster occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian Lutheran Church cemetery here early this morning.

"Ole and Sven, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening."

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

My dentist is a part-time gangsta rapper....

He tells his patients that he's "gonna put a cap in yo mouth"

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

"Well, the results from Iran's presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn't work, he's planning on making a documentary about global warming." --Jimmy Fallon

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

This morning, I was short-changed 50 dhs in an Iranian corner shop.

I didn't ask for a recount, just in case.

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Scene: Wide blue ocean. Shipwreak. Three men in a lifeboat. An Indian, an Arab and an Iranian.

A shark swam up up, ate the Arab, ate the Iranian, went up to the Indian but turned and swam away.

The Indian prayed to god 'Oh God thank you for saving me'.

The shark turned and said ' Actualy, I had one of you last year and my arse is still burning.

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

New Miley Cyrus DVD: 45QRS

Tub of Vaseline: 25QRS

XL Box of Tissues: 10QRS

The look of disgust on the cashiers face as you pay: Priceless

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

My parents tried to put me off becoming an archaeologist.

They said there was no future in it.

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the Future?

A: He buys two cases of beer.

By zhyiellha• 13 years 1 month ago.
zhyiellha

My boss shouted at me today morning!! so now this is the Real Joke.... lolzzz...

=============================================

" Failure is Not an OPTION "

=============================================

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas:

Now, when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

By kumaran_63• 13 years 1 month ago.
kumaran_63

Three man went in to a thick forest for hunting.After a long time hunting they lost their path and wandered here there and went very deep forest.Honeybals catched them and take them to their leader.The leader told them that they are going to eat them.The three people cried and requested for his mercy to leave them alive.

The leader told them "Ok i will give you one chance Give me a very good gift ,if any body make me happy with their gift, then i will release that man alive"

The three man went into forest with escords and came back and they were allowed to see one by one to the honeybal leader.

First man went inside and presented a lemon to the leader.The leader was angry to see lemon as gift and shouted" Put this lemon in his ass hole and fry him in oil.Then the honeybals put the lemon in the first man back and the first man cried with pain.

The second man went inside and presented an apple by seeing this The honeybal leader got angry and told his servents to "put this apple in his back side and fry him in oil". And the honeyballs put the apple in his back,But the second man was laughed loudely with happy.Then the leader asked" why you are so happy for this do you dont feel pain? The second man informed him" I presented you apple , but the third man bringing jackfruit, i think about him and i laughed.

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Irishman: Where did your mother come from?

Eskimo: Alaska

Irishman: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

By hassan1024• 13 years 1 month ago.
hassan1024

Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

“What’s the matter?” the other two men asked.

He replied, “I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!”

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

Apologies..

A lady from QL (no names mentioned) was waiting to be seated in the swanky new restaurant ordered a double malt whisky, triple vodka and redbull, and a glass of Crystal Champagne.

” I shouldn’t be drinking this - with what I’ve got” she said.

The barman asks - “Why what have you got?”

” 10 Riyals” was the reply.

By anonymous• 13 years 1 month ago.
anonymous

The topic is NEW jokes :-P

By Ambat• 13 years 1 month ago.
Ambat

Little Mohamed entered his classroom in France .

- What is your name? asked the teacher.

- Muhammad.... answered the kid.

- Here we are in France , there is no Mohamed. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois, replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohamed returned home.

- How was your day, Mohamed? asked his mother.

- My name is not Mohamed,I am in France and my name is Jean-François.

- Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you .. and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohamed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:

- What happened my little Jean-François.

- Well Miss, just two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arabs!

By britexpat• 13 years 1 month ago.
britexpat

I woke up at the quack of dawn for this :(

By the way, A dyslexic walks into a bra ....

By anonymous• 13 years 1 month ago.
anonymous

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no.

Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" and again the clerk says no.

Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk says, "No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk says no. The duck says, "Good. Do you have any grapes?"

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Why did the chicken jump off the cliff?

It was tired of crossing the road...

By Majnoon Ajnabi• 13 years 2 months ago.
Majnoon Ajnabi

A group of little boys in the 1st grade had a sex education class one day and the teacher used all the medical terminology to describe the body parts and the boys were dumbfounded as to what they meant.

When the boys went outside for recess they all started asking each other what the words meant such as breast, penis, ovaries etc. They were especially curious as to what a penis might be since the teacher had said that all the boys had one. Since no one knew the answers one of the boys said he would ask his dad that night when he got home and find out.

That night when his dad got home the boy asked him what a penis was. His dad fumbled around trying to explain and finally took his penis out to show it to his son, he said “Son this is a penis, as a matter of fact it is a perfect penis”. The boy thanked his dad and the next day at school all the boys wanted to know what he had found out. The boy took out his penis and said “Guys this is a penis and as a matter of fact if it were two inches shorter it would be a perfect penis”

By Darly• 13 years 2 months ago.
Darly

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

wouldn't be surprised if that was true :D

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

I see your angle :)

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

I see your angle :)

By the way, due to the heat, there was a power outage at teh City Centre Mall today..

Apparently, some people were stuck on the escalators for nearly three hours.

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Microsoft recently announced that they're releasing Windows 7 in Europe without an internet browser and users will have to download and install one for themselves.

Anyone else see a key flaw with this?

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

What do you tell a dwarf with two black eyes?

Nothing, he's already been told twice

I'll get my coat

By hawker• 13 years 2 months ago.
hawker

A woman walks into the Mississippi welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?''

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'."

In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yells 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin'. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I just call them by their last names."

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, tolerant of the weak. Someday you will have been all of these."

By obilix• 13 years 2 months ago.
obilix

Important Press Release in year 2000:

The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant.

In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'.

Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

They've invented a morning-after pill for men.

Apparently, It changes your blood group

By obilix• 13 years 2 months ago.
obilix

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says,

"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says,"Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says,"Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

A bank teller watched an elderly physician write a check at the local bank.

He had a very perplexed and confused look on his face.

When asked what was wrong, the physician looked down at his hand which contained a rectal thermometer and said, I was just trying to remember where I left my pen.

By Ambat• 13 years 2 months ago.
Ambat

was good!

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Me and Mrs Expat are getting to that stage of life :)

By the way , i've started to learn French..

Lesson 1:

Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community

supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will

you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more

pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not

even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he

gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary was incredulous, and said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The laughing missionary said, "I just $hat in their soup!"

By Pajju• 13 years 2 months ago.
Pajju

Maths Teacher Was Teaching Mathematical Conversions

Teacher: If 1000 Kgs = Ton. Then

For 3000 Kgs =How Much?

Santa:

Ton! Ton! Ton!

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

-----------------------------------------------

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.

"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

-----------------------------------------------

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.

-------------------------------------------------

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

...Avada Kedavra..

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as

clean and empty as on the previous day.!

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the

teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried

too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could open the jar"....

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

I saw a homeless guy getting off the bus. I thought, 'how does he know it's his stop?'

By GodFather.• 13 years 2 months ago.
GodFather.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.

He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better

And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi 'Jesus.... I'm fockin ' focked,'he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, Opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says

'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?' 'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

-----------------

HE WHO DARES WINS

By GodFather.• 13 years 2 months ago.
GodFather.

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy cow! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

-----------------

HE WHO DARES WINS

By Dracula• 13 years 2 months ago.
Dracula

.

.

lmao grandkruizer ..good one!

muhahahahahahaha

.

.

By grandkruizer• 13 years 2 months ago.
grandkruizer

I actually witnessed this. In the men's restroom of a mall, a guy came out of the toilet and was washing his hands. Standby cleaning guy tells him to go back and clean his "mess".

The back of my head aches from laughin @ the look on the guy's face!

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pi$$ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

I bid thee good night

By kumaran_63• 13 years 2 months ago.
kumaran_63

A beautiful girl went to doctor and complained that she had pain all over her body.

The doctor examined her and asked her" where you feel pain ?

She touched her forehead by index finger " Here pain".Then touched her nose, lips ,cheeks , and all over her body and said pain pain, pain.

The Doctor asked the girl to close her eyes and gave treatment. When she opened her eyes and she saw a little plaster was done in her index finger only.

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

thud

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Moishe has died. His solicitor is standing before the family and reads out Moishe’s last Will and testament.

“To my dear wife Sadie, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million pounds.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and £250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

"What the British think is a humourous joke may be completely mystifying to people from other countries."

-from thejokes.co.uk

:-D

Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.

Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith.

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Person 1 "I have a steroid which can make you grow an extra c*ck"

Person 2 "Anabolic?"

Person 1 "No, just a c*ck"

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Sadly so :( in a similar vein to -

I say i say i say, My wife went to the carribean.

jamaica ?

No! She went of her own accord :)

Try this more international joke:

Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.

The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”

Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

is this a specific Brit humour? I couldn't understand it at all...

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.

Tourist: Tudor?

Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.

Tourist: Tudor?

Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

"White move and win"

By kumaran_63• 13 years 2 months ago.
kumaran_63

A father asked his son to go and buy Two cigarete for him.

The boy come back and hand over the cigaretes to his father.

The father seen the cigaretes and found one cigarete is broken.

The father asked his son how this cigaret was broken?

The boy very calmely take the unbroken cigarete from his father's hand and said "like this" and broken the other one also.

By Pajju• 13 years 2 months ago.
Pajju

goodone :)

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Q:What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

A: A roaming catholic.

By adams.apple• 13 years 2 months ago.
adams.apple

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you Sam, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

By adams.apple• 13 years 2 months ago.
adams.apple

Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math.

"Why?" asked his father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad.

Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

"It is not very clear, the window is broke on both sides..."

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

policemen do you know?

A: only one or two, the rest are true stories

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

After a helicopter crash in a grave yard, police have recovered over 1500 victims....

By Jezmir• 13 years 2 months ago.
Jezmir

What a STUPID JOKE going on here...

None of them made me laugh or even smile...

You COWARDS....

.

.

.

.

.

Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

I was rather disappointed in the low turnout at my local polling station.

I don't see why people should struggle to put a cross in a box.

Then again, I do live in Newcastle.

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of

traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about

time ye let the Catholics across?"

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

A cop pulls over a car group of ladies in a car. The cop says, "Ma’am , this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

The lady driving replies, "Sir, My name is NFH and we’re going to a MMM , ladies only lunch. I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

The cop answers, "Oh, Miss NFH, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

NFH says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other ladies are shaking and trembling.

The cop asks, "Excuse me Miss NFH , what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."

NFH answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

Because the Jewish are gathering them before being metured

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street, and one turns to the other and says "Do you know, I've never come this way before."

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

a Jewish soldier come to the high quarter with a captured brand new Lebanese tank. He receive immediately 2 weeks leave as reward.

After couple of months, same Jewish soldier came with another Lebanese tank. He receive again his 2 week leave reward.

One of his comrades ask him how he manage to capture the tanks? "Simple, I was just going to Lebanese border and shout: Ahmed, are you willing to go on leave? and we are switching the tanks..."

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

in Moscow, from a big official "Volga" it is thrown a man out...

Rabbi, who wast just passing, recognise the man and try to help him: "what was happening with you and those in the black car?" "Nothing, I saw nothing, I know nothing.." "Come on , is me rabbi, you can tell me", "Nothing, I saw nothing, I know nothing..", "Really you can tell me, we knew each other since we were in the same room in Auschwitz", " Oh, I remember those nice moments...."

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

flight attendee ask an Arab passenger: "do you want something to drink? A scotch, a cognac or some wine?"

The Arab: Sorry to refuse but in couple of minutes I will have to pilot the plane...

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."

-------------------------------------------

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

---------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and... soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white c**k.

He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white c**k !!

The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?"

"Yes", the man says, "They're the ones."

"Well," replies the bartender, "Those guys aren't black. They're coalminers. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch."

-----------------------------------------------------

An young hot shot was on assignment , when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"

-------------------------------------------------

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

-----------------------------------------------------

A young boy asks his father what the difference between potential and reality are, The father tells him to go ask his mom if she'd fuck the milkman for a million $. She says yes, than he is told to ask his sister, she says yes also, than he asks his brother and he says yes.

The father says we have the potential to make $3 million, but in reality we live with 2 sluts and a faggot.

------------------------------------------------

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gyneacologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

...Avada Kedavra..

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

...Avada Kedavra..

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

a child who wish to be a psychological writer to create something to make the reader full of bad emotions: hate, despair, anger.

After 20 years he became debugging/error message programmer at Microsoft

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

St. Peter show him the rules: if you are driving a car you are not allowed to drive with more than 30km.h.

After a while, driving his car with 29km/h, Sena is overtaken by a nice brand new red Ferrari, target no. J-Na having at least 220km/h.

Frustrated is going to claim the offender to St.Peter: this guy driving a Ferrari with a Naples number had at least 220...

St. Peter calm him down: Be quite, first Na stands for Nazareth and not for Naples, and second this is Big Boss son..

By salman icon• 13 years 2 months ago.
salman icon

Doctor called his patient and said i have two news one bad and one good.

Patient: tell me the good news first.

Doctor: You have only 24 hours to live.

Patient: if it is the good news what is the bad one.

Doctor: Actually sir, I forgot to tell you yesterday.

LOL

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

comes in a hurry to the Bishop: "Father, a miracle, God just call me on my mobile...

Bishop: That are nice news.

Monk: well is not so nice... The country code was from KSA..

By laurana• 13 years 2 months ago.
laurana

were analysing how to share the money between God (church/temple) and themselves:

the Bishop: I will draw a line on the ground, I will throw the money up. What will fall on right side will be for God, what will fall on the left side will be mine

the Pastor: I will do the same but I will draw a circle. What will fall inside will be for the church, what will fall out side will be mine

the Rabbi: I will just throw the money up. He can keep how much He want...

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

Thanks NFH, that made me chuckle.

Im stealing that for my Facebook profile.

---------------------------------------------------------

I think you have me confused with someone who gives a sh1t.

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

What goes cluck, cluck, cluck, boom?

A chicken in a mine field.

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Why do dwarfs get erections while playing football?

Because the grass tickles their b*llocks...

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

A little dwarf lady (NFM-ME) goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office.

"Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.

"There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots (Wellingtons)."

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Apparently most midgets feel unfairly discriminated against, shunned in society, denied jobs and equal opportunities, as well as being constantly made the butt of jokes. A new campaign is being launched to "Reach Out to Little People."

That should, of course, be "Reach Down..."

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

It's no use trying to explain anything to a dwarf

Everything just goes over their head

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

:)) Can we move on to politically incorrect jokes or stick to this theme ??

Anyway, I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

I thought "How could anyone stoop so low?"

By ashwindoke• 13 years 2 months ago.
ashwindoke

Q : Why Do women Fake Orgasm ????

A : They think we care....

___________________________________________

Reality is a Illusion Caused Due to Deficiency of Alcohol

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

oooh..bad brit...

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up. just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I`m Turner Brown. The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown. The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Police have decided not to lay charges after a man complained that he was bitten by a japanese dwarf.

A police spokesman explained "It was only a little nip".

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of

his car.

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

---------------------------------------------------------

I think you have me confused with someone who gives a sh1t.

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Many a true word is said in jest :)

By the way, A new cannibal restaurant has opened in Doha.

Its classy and chic, but dinner costs an arm and a leg !

By Victory_278692• 13 years 2 months ago.
Victory_278692

atleast in a DAY to survive!

WHY They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

Trouble is, he cant get his wife to go swimming.

---------------------------------------------------------

I think you have me confused with someone who gives a sh1t.

By Pajju• 13 years 2 months ago.
Pajju

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn't suit his taste.

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Excellent :)))

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force?

He said he wanted to grill his suspects

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're very bitter.

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

Two cannibals are eating a man, one starting from the head the other from the feet.

A few minutes into their feast the one who started from the head says to the one who started at the feet,"How's it going down their?".

The other answers,"I'm having a ball!".

To which the answer is,"Slow down you're going to fast!"

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

1st Cannibal: Am I late for supper?

2nd Cannibal: Yes everybody's eaten.

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

A cannibal was sitting by the roadside, next to a pile of poo, and looking rather glum. Another cannibal passed by, and asked 'Why the long face?'

Replied the first "I've just dumped my girlfriend"....

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?

By britexpat• 13 years 2 months ago.
britexpat

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."

"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"

"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Sh1t'. We've been clearing up ever since."

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

Did you hear about the Newcastle bra?

Lots of support but no cups....

By hassan1024• 13 years 2 months ago.
hassan1024

One of my friends wanted to commit suicide but didn't have the bollocks for it. He asked me to push him in front of a train and I obliged.

He was chuffed to bits....

By Ambat• 13 years 2 months ago.
Ambat

all in good humour..have tried to translate to the best of my ability..

Provocation, Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration:

One of the frequent questions asked by students of psychology is:

"Please explain the connection between Provocation, Irritation, Aggravation

and Frustration?"

The following explains it:

One day Parvez Musharraf, who has a business of selling Iron rods, was sitting in office and got a call from

Vajpayee : "SARIYA HAI?" ( Do you have iron rod ? )

Parvez: "HAI." ( Yes )

Vajpayee: "PEECHE Ghusa LE (Shove it up)"

and then he disconnected the call.

This is Provocation!

Again on the next day Parvez got a call.

Vajpayee: "SARIYA HAI?"

Parvez (trying to be smart): "NAHI HAI" ( No )

Vajpayee: "PEECHE GHUSA DIA KYA?" ( Have you shoved it up ? )

and then he disconnected the call.

This is Irritation!

On the third day again Parvez got the call from

Atal Bihari Vajpayee: "SARIYA HAI?"

Parvez (trying to be over-smart): "HAI BHI OR NAHI BHI" ( It's there and it's not there )

Vajpayee: "ANDER BAHAR KAR RAHA HAI KYA?" ( You shoving it in & out ? )

and he disconnects the call.

This is Aggravation!

The next day Parvez thinks of taking revenge... so he calls up Atal Bihari.

Parvez: "SARIYA HAI?"

Vajpayee: "KYON? PEECHE DALNA HAI KYA?" ( Do you want it to shove it up ? )

This is Frustration!

By Pajju• 13 years 2 months ago.
Pajju

there were a husband and wife ...husband was always reading newspapers and didn't bother to do anything else his wife was fed up and one day she said

wife: wish i could be the newspaper so i could be in front of your eyes always

husband replied...

i wish you were a calendar so that i can change it every year

By lilBoPeep• 13 years 2 months ago.
lilBoPeep

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny: "F * ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

Whatever you vividly imagine, Ardently desire, Sincerely believe and Enthusiastically act upon, Must inevitably come to pass.

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?

You only have to teach them how to take off!

Why aren't there any Wal*Marts in Afghanistan?

Because there's a Target on every corner!

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?

A map!

Failed Afghan recruitment slogans:

Martyrs have more fun!

Free camoflage turbans! Sign up today!

Uncle oSAMa wants you!

What do you call a guy with his hand up a camels ass?

An Afghani mechanic!

Whats one Afgan on the moon?

problem

10 Afgans on the moon?

problem

100 Afgans on the moon?

large problem

1000 Afgans on the moon?

big big problem

1000000 Afgans on the moon?

massive problem

all the Afgans on the moon?

Problem solved!

An American, a Jew and an Indian are all 3 sentenced to death. The judge tells them: "I am a good guy, so I will allow you to

choose the way you want to die...". The American says: "Hang me, just like in the Old West"; they hang him, he dies... Then the

Jew said: "I want you to put me in an oven, kill me like Hitler killed my ancestors!"; they cook him, he dies... The Indian comes

laughing and the judge reminds him: "there is nothing funny about death you know..."...the Indian apologizes and says he wants

to be infected with the most dangerous form of HIV/AIDS...they inject it and the Indian bursts out laughing: "HA! HA! I am not going

to die...! I was wearing a condom!!"

...Avada Kedavra..

By every_mothers_nightmare• 13 years 2 months ago.
every_mothers_nightmare

One day Jack's dad bought a robot.

The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".

Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today ".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.

His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"

"Dad I went for a movie",

"Which movie?"

"The Ten Commandments",

Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."

"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."

Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, " After all he is your son, he will be like you"

The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face.

Aana free, jaana free,

Pakde gaye tho khana free.

By Afaque• 13 years 2 months ago.
Afaque

keep them coming guys!

By gcwill• 13 years 2 months ago.
gcwill

A man checked into a hotel and saw a computer in his room and decided to e-mail his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've reached

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones..

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow !!!

"sometimes the heart sees what the eyes can't"

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

Discussion between 2 friends…

Friend # 1 – I don’t understand why my wife needs so much cash.

Friend # 2 – What happened?

Friend #1 – Beginning of every month,she needs 20K.

BY 15th of the same month, she asks for 12K

And by 25th, she wants atleast 5K

Friend # 2 – That’s a lot of money dude…what does she do with all that???

Friend # 1 – I don’t know….coz I don’t give her any.

By every_mothers_nightmare• 13 years 2 months ago.
every_mothers_nightmare

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

Aana free, jaana free,

Pakde gaye tho khana free.

By anonymous• 13 years 2 months ago.
anonymous

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

***aanhin pa ang damu kong sa u pa lang eh adik na ako.***

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