Joke Time

By Amigo66

A West Virginia Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer: "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said: "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said: "I have the authority of the State of West Virginia to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out: "Show him your card! SHOW, HIM, YOUR, CARD!"

By Martinez_II• 14 years 11 months ago.
Martinez_II

That was a nice one Eva.

I got an e-mail some days back

Title is "Why women should respect men ?"

A woman drives a car and sees another car approaching her in the opposite lane. The car comes closer and the man inside lowers the window and shouts at her "Horse ! Horse !" and the woman in reply...lowers her window and shouts "Pig ! Pig !".

She is glad that she insulted him more than a horse. And she proceeds further.

This is what happend next.

This is why women should respect men once in a while. Lolzz !

By eva37de• 14 years 11 months ago.
eva37de

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time

in a land far away,

a beautiful, independent,

self-assured princess

happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

and said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and set up housekeeping in your castle

with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes, bear my children,

and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously

on lightly sauted frog legs

seasoned in a white wine

and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't f****ng think so.

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two

and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me guess — you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

I got u an alien joke.... WAIT!!!

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.

By coolquietman• 14 years 11 months ago.
coolquietman

BYE STAR AND ALL

GOT VISITORS

CATCH YA LATER ALLIGATOR

do it right - the first time!

By coolquietman• 14 years 11 months ago.
coolquietman

no stars i was just pulling ur LEG ....er or whatever else you aliens call them lol

do it right - the first time!

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

very good

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

they're there somewhere - have to go diggin - ya dig?

By techdoctor• 14 years 11 months ago.
techdoctor

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich accompanying him. He orders two margaritas for both of them. The bartender tells him the drinks cost $10.50. The man just inserts his hand into his pocket and leaves on the table whatever is in his pocket. The bartender is astonished to see exactly $10.50.

A little later, after finishing the drink, the man walks to the bartender again and orders two martinis, one for him and one for the ostrich. The bartender tells him that the drinks cost $12.50. The man just inserts his hand into his pocket and leaves on the table whatever is in his pocket. The bartender is astonished to see exactly $12.50.

"It's amazing. How is it possible that you insert your hand into the pocket and come up with exactly the change you want?"

"It's a long story mate. One day God appeared before me and granted me two wishes. For the first wish I asked him that if I want to buy something, I should just insert my hand into my pocket and come up with the exact amount I want."

"That's great! Amazing idea. Now, why is an ostrich accompanying you wherever you go?"

"For the second wish I asked him for a chick with long legs!"

By coolquietman• 14 years 11 months ago.
coolquietman

stars

am cool dinga linga ling

u ok my twin from outer space???

say do you have any alien jokes???? lol

do it right - the first time!

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

haven't you got the riddle yet - the maths on the other posting?

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

speak for yourself! hello you!

By coolquietman• 14 years 11 months ago.
coolquietman

hey all u funny bones ...how are all of ya???do it right - the first time!

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their

parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their

stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat

of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen

eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon

was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle

of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then

she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did

your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f#&* away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving

that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when

he's been drinking."

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

right

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

something like..... all of them leave you with nothing!!

By anonymous• 14 years 11 months ago.
anonymous

key words were censored lol

Crazy Frog

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the

worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear, Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her

piercings and tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk! I love you! Call me when it is safe for me to come home.

By anonymous• 14 years 11 months ago.
anonymous

huh? can't you see I 'm still a frog that pretends to be crazy ? so How can I have got that kiss.... still four years to go :D

Crazy Frog

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the

counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really

rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We

just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur

and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive

around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to

escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her

sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting

salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

~ your thoughts create your reality ~

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

Frog - did you get it?

By anonymous• 14 years 11 months ago.
anonymous

You know the '' once upon a time'' tale : A crazy frog Waiting for a beautiful princess to kiss him so that he can change to a prince. Well, actually I did find my princess, but she asked me to work for 5 years in Qatar so that I can get that so called Kiss . Amazing , isn't it ?

Crazy Frog

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

~ your thoughts create your reality ~

By han19• 14 years 11 months ago.
han19

LOL

happy heart

DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a

double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana . The Brunette

team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,

when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes

upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in

fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of

them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great

time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

:)

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

The doorbell rings in the middle of the night, and the wife gets up to see

who it is. She comes back to bed and the husband says, "Who was that?"

The wife says, "Oh, it was some woman." The husband is freaked out. He

says, "Well, uh, what did she want?"

The wife says, "She wanted to know if the coast was clear!" The husband is

really nervous now. He says, "Well, what did you tell her?"

The wife says, "I told her the coast is a hundred miles from here; how in

the heck do I know if it's clear or not?"

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By han19• 14 years 11 months ago.
han19

aaahh...you dont like to be treated as Frog but you are called the crazy frog:-D

its good to love yourself.

happy heart

DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

i took it as a joke thats all as no doctor worth her salt will ever tell it

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By anonymous• 14 years 11 months ago.
anonymous

Of course I do.... I am an Egocentric guy :D I love myself, but I don't like being treated as a frog :P

Crazy Frog

By han19• 14 years 11 months ago.
han19

FRog, tell me, you like Crazy Frog.

my kids sit mesmerised when crazy frog is playing.

happy heart

DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home

By anonymous• 14 years 11 months ago.
anonymous

Wow, the first one was nice, the rest ... too long to be a joke ???

Crazy Frog

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

just a joke

By han19• 14 years 11 months ago.
han19

the entire last segment of her joke was very mean, but thats was it was, a mean mean joke.

dark humour.

happy heart

DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home

By t_coffee_or_me• 14 years 11 months ago.
t_coffee_or_me

was way out of line with her last remark

If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.

By han19• 14 years 11 months ago.
han19

LMAO, that was one mean joke the doc pulled on the lady.

sheesh.

happy heart

DRIVE SAFE,someone is waiting for you at home

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the

most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest

of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What'd you buy?"

By Amigo66• 14 years 11 months ago.
Amigo66

my wifey fights back for sure!

By Amigo66• 14 years 11 months ago.
Amigo66

the characters in the story r ficticious. Any similarity with modern day living person is just a mere coincidence.....;)

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

~ your thoughts create your reality ~

By starseed• 14 years 11 months ago.
starseed

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet...

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush....

:)

By Amigo66• 14 years 11 months ago.
Amigo66

A sardar is taking a written exam. On looking at the question paper he starts taking off his clothes. On seing this the invigilator rushes to sardar as asks him."What on earth do u think u r doing?".....Sardar replies...Look at the paper...it is written "Answer in Brief"

By sentibhim• 14 years 11 months ago.
sentibhim

I just got it in my mail.Lets laugh again.

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"....

A Teacher lecturing on population: "In India after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "

A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "

A man: " Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"

Sardarji : ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words. And finds It

>means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.

His wife asked what you are doing.

He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess what... To avoid side effects!!!

Man: Sardarji where were U born?

Sardarji: Punjab

Man: Which part?

Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".

Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke...... "

Sardar :"Yeh kya , Sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya.

Ab fir Gita pe haath!!"

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me. I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange,he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"

A sardar was drawing money from ATM,

The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password.

Its 4 asterisks (****). "

The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"

Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???

A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?

A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept........

Santa Singh MBBS After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

"Drink Beer Save water"

By sentibhim• 14 years 11 months ago.
sentibhim

Smart bull.how much did he read ?lol

Nice one amingo66

"Drink Beer Save Water"

By clickaddress• 14 years 11 months ago.
clickaddress

ha ha

By hjsarwar• 14 years 11 months ago.
hjsarwar

plz dont mind byt tell me is it a joke or a story

By Amigo66• 14 years 11 months ago.
Amigo66

it is off the new forum topic:) chill

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