George Carlin...master of sarcasm strikes again...

Scarlett
By Scarlett

George Carlin's New Rules For 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25
or 30 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out of a window unless you're a seagull. People
are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to 'chicken with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying
to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27 Months.' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's
sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying' Do you want
fries with that?'

Log in or register to post comments

More from Qatar Living

9 Things to do on your summer weekend in Qatar

9 Things to do on your summer weekend in Qatar

Explore a host of exciting activities you can indulge in with your loved ones during your summer weekends in Qatar.
Public Swimming Pools in Qatar to Cool Off in the Summers

Public Swimming Pools in Qatar to Cool Off in the Summers

Make a splash in these non-hotel pools in Qatar and don’t let the summer heat hinder the fun
5 things to do at Qatar National Library

5 things to do at Qatar National Library

While there are many activities you can indulge in, we’ve compiled a list of five things that you are sure to enjoy at the Library.
The Summer Trade Fair at Katara Cultural Village to start on May 19th

The Summer Trade Fair at Katara Cultural Village to start on May 19th

The Summer Trade Fair at Katara Cultural Village will open on May 19 featuring 220 local and international enterprises.
With ease on mask regulations, Vaccination proof is not required in malls

With ease on mask regulations, Vaccination proof is not required in malls

Covid-19 limitations are being eased with joint efforts of Qatar government institutions and co-operation of residents, according to the Ministry of Public Health.
Shop for Curly Hair Care Products in Qatar from these stores

Shop for Curly Hair Care Products in Qatar from these stores

Curl creams, shampoos, and chemical-free hair products for curly hair, find all in Qatar from these stores
NMoQ becomes first museum in the Middle East to be awarded Green Key Certification for Sustainability

NMoQ becomes first museum in the Middle East to be awarded Green Key Certification for Sustainability

Through artifacts, oral histories, music, films, and artworks, the Museum, which opened in March 2019, offers expre

“SenorRitas Tex Mex” restaurant officially opened at Cielo Hotel

“SenorRitas Tex Mex” restaurant officially opened at Cielo Hotel

The ultimate destination of Latin heritage and Mexican culinary, SenorRitas Tex-Mex, the largest specialty Mexican restaurant in Qatar, located in the Lusail area at the Cielo Hotel, has officially opened.